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              B)  :]  :S  :}  :I  |)  :)  :O  ;)  :D  :>  :P  X=:)
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                     BUSTER'S GUIDE TO UNCONSUMMATED ROMANCE

                          An Original Tiny Toons Story 

               Written By John Friedrich (E-Mail: Nefaria@AOL.com)


All Tiny Toons fans are invited to join us on the Internet!  We're at
alt.tv.tiny-toon and alt.tv.tiny-toon.fandom under the Usenet newsgroups.  
There are plenty of pictures and stories available for fans; check out the 
FTP sites utpapa.ph.utexas.edu, lisa.apana.org.au, and avatar.snc.edu.
During the summer, the Ink & Paint Club BBS is open (1-815-923-2382, 
8 data bits, 1 stop bit, no parity), loads of goodies there too!

This story is rated PG and is suitable for all toon fans: viewer discretion 
is discouraged.  The story may be copied but not modified.  The wonderful 
characters are copyrighted by Warner Brothers, but since Warner Brothers 
isn't committing to any new stories of their own after the Halloween Special, 
I figure what the heck.  I mean, what are they  going to do?  Send Babs and 
Elmyra to my house to give me huggy-wuggies?  In such a case, I beg you, 
Warner Brothers, punish me, PUNISH ME!

Physician's Note:  Mr. Friedrich is suffering from Chronic Elmyrism, which 
  affects all Tiny Toons fans who are subjected to repeated reruns.  
  In the latter stages of the disease, the subject becomes mentally 
  indistinguishable from Elmyra and is elected President of the United States.
  Mr. Spielberg, please don't let this tragedy happen again!  Make new 
  specials!  Otherwise, we at the Tiny Toon Liberation Front will send 
  videotapes of Barney the Dinosaur to your impressionable children!  
  Hee Hee Hee!

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                            ACT I:  Woo Woo Woo


It is a gorgeous day outside Acme Looniversity.  The bright green grass 
grows vigorously in the warm sun, robins chirp their sweet, desperate mating 
calls, and the air drifting through the open window is filled with the 
unmistakable smell of springtime.  Unfortunately, it is the middle of January.

BUSTER:   "Looks like the animators screwed up again, Babs."

BABS:     "It's not surprising.  They can't count, you know.  I'm 19 now and
           they still draw me like I'm 14.  And they still haven't decided
           whether I have a pink or white tummy."

BUSTER:   "What color is it today?"

Babs lifts her blouse up an inch to peek at her tummy.

BABS:     "White.  Why did you want to...."

Babs notices that Buster is drooling uncontrollably, like an Internet fanboy,
and doesn't finish her question.

The bunnies turn their attention back to Elmer Fudd's "Toon Topology" class.
They are both A+ students in advanced math (having had special training in 
multiplication), and have been ignoring Elmer all semester.  In fact, everyone
in class knows more about math than Prof. Fudd, except for Elmyra, who knows
nothing about everything.

ELMER:    "Does anyone know how to make a rabbit compact?"

ELMYRA:   "Roll him into a sausage casing and smash him with a sledgehammer?"

ELMER:    "No, Elmyra, but that's a good guess.  You have to nest him in a
           Hausdorff space, then make sure he's closed and bounded."

ELMYRA:   "Take him to my house, tie him up, and lock him in a cage?
           No way!  It's not enough!  I've tried!"

Buster winces at the unpleasant memories.  He still has nightmares from
"Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow".

Mercifully, the end-of-class bell rings before Elmyra can impress the class
with more stories of cruelty to aminals.  Buster and Babs high-tail it out
of there (making some lovely skirt peeks), and they talk about the inhumanity
of humans.  Meanwhile, Elmyra quietly jogs up behind them, and she is soon 
on top of them.

ELMYRA:   "Pleeeease don't run away bunnies!  If I squeeze you to death, I
           promise to make it look like an accident!"

BUSTER:   "Time to hit Warp 9, Babs.  We don't want Elmyra to find out where
           we live."

BABS:     "Gotcha, loverbunny."

With a blinding flash, a cloud of dust, and a hearty "Hi Ho Hippity-Hop",
Buster and Babs exceed the speed of light and disappear, leaving Elmyra
behind in a combination Sonic Boom and Big Bang.  Elmyra collapses in a
daze as the space-time continuum detonates around her.  Shortly thereafter, 
Buster and Babs return to the Tiny Toon universe and head toward Buster's 
burrow to do homework and other fun stuff.

BABS:     "Gee, I haven't enjoyed travelling this much since our ride on that
           snowmobile last Christmas!"

BUSTER:   "You're not the only one."

They exchange mischievous grins.  Buster then marches proudly forward, while
Babs looks back to check their current Elmyra status.  Over a quarter of a 
mile away, Elmyra is curled up on the ground, crying like a lovestarved 
kindergartener.  Something deep inside Babs moves her toward pity:  maybe
it's the subconscious guilt she's been building up over her years of 
misuse of Elmyra, maybe it's the unfulfilled longing to have a child of her
own, maybe it's the carrot and horseradish sandwich she had for lunch.
In any case, she can't leave Elmyra like this.

BABS:     "Buster, I'll catch up to you in a little while.  My emotions are
           telling me that I should give Elmyra a little comfort."

BUSTER:   "Your emotions told you to eat the enchanted carrot that turned
           you into a pet rabbit, remember?  Sucking on that water bottle 
           all day, acting completely pathetic, like Madonna?"

Buster notices the hurt look on Babs' face and relents.

BUSTER:   "But I love your emotions as much as the rest of you.  Go ahead,
           I'll be waiting for ya.  Just don't do anything silly."

Buster has disappeared over the horizon by the time Babs reaches Elmyra.
Elmyra seems so choked up that Babs risks getting within arms reach.

ELMYRA:   "Sniff!  I don't understand it.  The more I love him, the more he 
           hates me."

BABS:     "You have to be patient with him.  Don't chase him away.  Try
           seducing him.  Try playing hard to get.  It drives him crazy!  
           That's what I do and he loves me for it."

Babs has no idea why she is giving bunny-lovin' tips to Elmyra.

ELMYRA:   "That's easy for you to say.  You're the only other bunny-wunny
           he knows.  He has to like you."

BABS:     "What are you talking about?  Buster and I have been in love since 
           we were little kids."

ELMYRA:   "That's just it.  There's never been any competition, you never
           put Mr. Hippity-Hop to the test.  
           HE ONLY LIKES YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A BUNNY!"

Sudden nagging doubts began to build in Babs' hyperactive brain.  Could it be
true?  Was Buster in love with her by default, because there were no other
girl bunnies at Acme Loo?  How would she stack up in a contest?  Would the
courtship be over as soon as Buster caught the eye of some cheap floozie?

BABS:     "No, no, it can't be true.  Buster and I are as close as two bunnies
           can get.  We've shared all kinds of experiences...."

Elmyra coyly derails Babs' train of thought.

ELMYRA:   "If I was a bunny, he'd marry me and drop you like a hot lamprey!"
           
That does it.  Babs begins to explode.  But she realizes that yelling at 
Elmyra won't do her any good.  She will have to prove Elmyra wrong.  But how?
Babs channels her rage inward, accelerating her already-overloaded mind,
coming up with a rather bizarre solution.  A maniacal expression overshadows
her face, and she begins speaking with a crazed detachment.

BABS:     "Elmyra, do you recall the opening credits on our TV show, when
           Buster and I are wearing costumes?"

ELMYRA:   "Do you mean we're on television?"

Babs continues, not hearing anything but the rantings of her own psyche.

BABS:     "Everybody thinks I'm Buster, but I'm wearing a Buster costume,
           and I take it off, and nobody knew it was me.  And Buster was 
           wearing a Babs costume, and nobody knew it was him.  They still 
           sell those costumes at ACME, one for each of us."

ELMYRA:   "Uh, hee hee, bunny you don't look well.  I'll call 
           Dr. Kevorkian...."

Babs begins to calm down now, the dementia sinking in, becoming a permanent 
part of her personality.

BABS:     "Don't you see it, Elmyra?  I'll order one Babs costume and one
           Elmyra costume.  I'll dress up like you and you'll dress up like
           me.  We'll both woo Buster, and whosoever woos him the best gets
           to keep him forever."

Elmyra objects at first, sensing that Babs is trying to play some kind of
trick on her.  But when her bunny-starved brain begins sending her pictures 
of the possibilities, she enthusiastically agrees.  

ELMYRA:   "Oh goody!  I get to be a female impersonator!"

Babs pulls out her unlimited credit-line ACME Express card and places an 
order for the costumes.  She orders extra-super-speedy delivery (which costs
$20,000 extra, but Babs figures if that if her parents can afford college
tuition for her 100 brothers and sisters, they can splurge a little on their
Most Talented Daughter).  Just as she hangs up the phone, she sees and hears
two helicopters break through the clouds overhead.

BABS:     "Our shipment has come in!"

Babs and Elmyra stare gleefully upward as the crates are jettisoned from the
helicopters.  The crates are packed with anvils to ensure faster freefall.
Elmyra and Babs don't realize (or don't care) that they are within the square
shadows of the falling crates.  Babs is crushed beneath the Babs crate and
Elmyra is crushed beneath the Elmyra crate; the anvils settle in to their
new homes with a pleasant sound of metal on flesh.

After several minutes of painful crawling, digging, and pleading, Elmyra and
Babs emerge from beneath the crates, dizzy but happy.  Babs removes the 
crowbar from the Elmyra costume crate, pries off the lid, tosses away the 
anvils (two land on Elmyra, no big deal), and inspects the contents.  Babs
pulls out the costume first, then plays with it like a puppet, happily
squealing "I'm gonna get my bunny!" in her best Elmyra voice, while contorting
the costume's face into dozens of goofy expressions.  Then she reads the
instruction manual and supplementary supplies, while Elmyra opens her crate.

BABS:     "Well, the costume's easy enough, but look at all of these books!
           'Encyclopedia Elmyricana', 'How To Speak Elmyrish', 'Glossary
           of Non-Sequiturs', 'Lower IQ 300 Points in 30 Days'!  Who'da
           thought you'd need a library to impersonate a yutz?"

Babs curiosity is aroused, and she peeks over at Elmyra to see what wonders
the Babs Bunny Impersonation Kit contains.

BABS:     "Hey Elmyra, how many novels do you have to read before you can
           duplicate my countless unique talents?"

Elmyra looks back with her patented innocent-yet-stupid grin.

ELMYRA:   "None.  I just have to drink a lotta coffee!"

Elmyra empties out the Babs crate, revealing the costume, a Ms. Coffee 
coffee machine, and two cans of Hyper-Roast Coffee.

ELMYRA:   "It says the recommended dose is 24 cups a day."

Babs tries her best to ignore the indignity, and she begins looking through
the books and planning the evening's romantic encounters.  Somehow she will
have to lure Buster to an interlude with "Elmyra", keep him there long enough
to win his heart, and then turn him over to "Babs".  Her conscious mind 
wonders if her powers of seduction will be strong enough to win the contest.
Her subconscious mind wonders who will be the beneficiary of Buster's 
life insurance policy.



Buster stares up at the old clock that hangs in his lonely burrow.  5:00, and 
no sign of Babs.  He knows there are only two possibilities:  Babs has 
forgotten about him, or Elmyra has captured her.  The former choice is, of 
course, ridiculous; Babs couldn't forget about him for ten minutes at a time,
much less two hours.  That leaves choice #2, which means Babs needs to be 
rescued (again), and Buster chastises himself for waiting so long.

BUSTER:   "Gee, Elmyra can accomplish a lot in two hours.  I hope there's
           enough of Babs left to rescue!"

He dashes up out of his hole and is prepared to charge toward Elmyra's house
when a cool breeze brings a familiar fragrance to his flaring nostrils.
It is "Chateau de la Lapine #6 with Extra Pheromones", Babsy's favorite 
perfume.  He traces the smell to his mailbox, floating in the air as he 
does so.  He opens the mailbox, recognizes Babs' sensual handwriting on the
envelope, and reads the letter:

  "My Beloved Buster,
     The passion within me grows without bound.  I could not waste this
     blessed evening underground.  Please seek me out on the top floor
     of the library.  I have an unforgettable night of romance planned for 
     us beginning at 6:00.  Don't be late or I will never forgive you!
   P.S.  Be sure to bring your math books."

BUSTER:   "Looks like Babs is in one of her moods again.  Guess I'll have
           to do what I always do in times like these:  unconditionally
           surrender.  Sigh!  Some day I'll calm her down and teach her
           how to appreciate baseball!"

Buster heads toward ACME Loo at a leisurely pace, enjoying the feel of the
lush lawn beneath his toes.  Babs won't be expecting him for an hour yet; 
no sense arriving before she's ready.  Unless, maybe he could sneak a look at 
what she's planning, maybe turn the situation more to his favor.  He picks up 
the pace a bit and closes in on the library.  She did mean the Looniversity 
Library, not the County Library downtown?

From far, far away, up twenty flights of stairs and around a corner, Babs 
Bunny looks down at Buster through her binoculars.  An excessively large grin 
is spread across her charming face.  Elmyra stands behind her.  Shelves of
ancient books line the walls.  The entire floor is deserted.

BABS:     "Ha Ha!  Coming to THIS library and an hour early!  Can I predict
           him or what?"

ELMYRA:   "Remember bunny, you only get to play with him for an hour.
           Then he's ALL MINE!"

BABS:     "Yeah, alright.  Just make sure he doesn't see you when you leave,
           otherwise the deal's off.  Remember, you have to get him to kiss
           you, and whoever he likes best is the winner."

ELMYRA:   "OK cutesy cuddly!  See ya later!"

Elmyra cheerfully waves goodbye, skipping out of the room toward the emergency
exit.  Still skipping, she stumbles at the exit and begins tumbling down the
fire escape.  From the gradually quieter bonging sounds, Babs concludes that
she must have fallen down all twenty flights.

BABS:     "Well that's out of the way.  Now for my disguise!"

She drags the Elmyra costume from under a nearby desk and begins pulling it
on.  The head and torso are roomy enough, but the feet are a major problem.

BABS:     "How can anybody walk in such darn miserable feet!  And these shoes!
           Black Oxfords should have gone out with corsets and hoop dresses.
           I feel like Shirley Temple."

After a great deal of painful squeezing and stretching, Babs manages to get
her feet inside the costume.  She is in agony, but she figures she'll grow
used to the pain in a little while.  The longing for Buster begins to well up 
from inside her.  She looks through the binoculars again, just in time to
see him entering the library.

BABS:     "Oh, this is going to be so romantic!  Let the games begin!"

She pulls the Elmyra head over her own, zips up the costume from inside,
and portrays a fine approximation of Elmyra's devilish grin.



NOTATIONAL NOTE:
  To prevent confusion for everyone except Buster, the following names
  will be used:
    *ELMYRA:   Babs in her Elmyra costume.
    *BABS:     Elmyra in her Babs costume.
  Bon apetit!



Buster catches his breath as he reaches the twentieth floor, taking off his
backpack, which is filled with 1000-page overpriced math books.  Why the 
top floor?  Why not the basement, where other couples snuggle over their
homework?  Why would Babs want the solitary confinement of the World War I
archives in the attic?  Babs is a weird one.  And her weirdness captivates me.

He notices that the door to the archive room is ajar, and from somewhere,
a phonograph is playing the haunting, passionate themes of "Bolero".
A single small candle glows dimly from the far corner of the room.  Leave it 
to Babs to light a candle in a room full of flammable novels, Buster sighs.  
He goes over to the candle, noticing that it is positioned on a desk.  On the 
desk is a book, "The Complete Works of Shakespeare", opened to a picture
showing men hunting rabbits in the forest for supper.  Buster's keen ears 
pick up the sound of a key turning inside a lock.  

*ELMYRA:   "No escape this time, snuggle bunny!  It's huggy-wuggy time 
            forever!"

Buster turns around quickly, seeing the shadow cast by *Elmyra looming over
him from the entrance.  She hides the key in her dress, then advances toward
him like death itself.

Buster begins to panic.  His eyes dart around the room, looking for some 
hidden exit he may have missed.  His first instinct is to dig through the
floor, but it's solid marble; before he could make a dent in it, *Elmyra
would have him by the neck.  The windows are old and probably sealed
shut; to escape that way, he'd have to jump through one and fall twenty
stories onto concrete.  The fall wouldn't be so bad, but the glass would be
sharp, and he has an aversion to sharp objects.  And the bookshelves look
too sturdy to topple them onto her.  Buster grabs maniacally onto one of
the bookshelves and tugs futilely at it.

BUSTER:    "Yikes!  Trapped!  Elmyra, what are you doing here?  And what have
            you done to Babs?"

*Elmyra can't resist the opportunity to learn how Buster really feels 
about her.

*ELMYRA:  "Babs who?"

BUSTER:   "You know, Babs?  Barbara Anne Bunny?  Doesn't bathe often?
           Thinks she's Maryl Streep and Josephine Baker rolled into one?
           The kinda crazy girl who likes to hang out with me?"

*Elmyra suddenly grows furious and starts foaming at the mouth.  Buster has
no idea what to make of it.

*ELMYRA:  "Your bunny-wunny girlfriend isn't here!  She ran away because
           you didn't love her enough!  I think she's on a date with that
           cute ducky."

Buster's head starts spinning.  Babs and Plucky?  How long has this been
going on?  And why didn't he notice?

*Elmyra takes advantage of his disorientation and makes a lunge for him.
Buster is quick, but so is she.  She manages to get a firm grip on his 
left foot.

*ELMYRA:  "Please don't resist, Mr. Furry-Head!  It'll hurt less if you
           stop struggling!"

Buster begins pulling books about vintage airplanes off the shelves and 
pounding *Elmyra on the head with them.  She seems to be enjoying it.

BUSTER:   "If I stop struggling, you'll hug me to kingdom come!"

*Elmyra does a clever twist-spin motion which topples Buster to the floor.
She establishes a firm lock on both of his legs.

*ELMYRA:  "You'll feel better once you're in itty-bitty pieces!"

Buster reaches for her head and begins pulling on her hair.  He expects her
to yelp in pain and release him, but she doesn't seem to feel it at all. 
Instead, she rolls him over and quickly shifts her grip, trapping him in a
full nelson.  From there, she slyly moves to her favorite wrestling maneuver,
the bear hug.

*ELMYRA:  "And now, the ecstasy begins!"

Buster struggles vainly to escape *Elmyra's eager arms.  He has the distinct
impression that his moments are numbered.  Desperately, he tries to delay
the inevitable by appealing to her allbeit diminuitive sense of reason.

BUSTER:   "Elmyra, (groan) you like bunnies, right?"

ELMYRA:   "Oooooh!  I love bunnies!"

BUSTER:   "Then why are you trying to KILL ME???"

ELMYRA:   "Because I LOVE YOU!!!"

She increases the pressure.  Buster starts to grow dizzy.

BUSTER:   "Uh, Elmyra.  (choke)  Please don't finish me off just yet!
           (gasp!  wheeze!)  If you kill me today, you won't be able
           to play with me tomorrow!"

*Elmyra pauses for a moment to consider his final request.

*ELMYRA:  "To squeeze or not to squeeze, that is the question.
           Whether tis nobler in the bunny to suffer
           The slings and anvils of outrageous comedy,
           Or to take arms against a sea of cuddles
           And by cuddling, end him."

She hugs Buster tighter; his eyeballs squeeze shut against the oncoming 
frenzy.

*ELMYRA:  "                            To love, to squeeze --
           No more, and by a squeeze to say we end
           The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
           Of our last episodes, since Steven abandoned us."

Buster notices a strange tenderness beginning to form in *Elmyra's eyes.
Her grip becomes less restraining and more welcoming.

*ELMYRA:  "                            To love, to squeeze --
           To squeeze, perhaps to forget -- ay, there's the rub."

She gently rubs the fur on the top of Buster's head.

*ELMYRA:  "For in that sleep of reruns what mists may come
           When we have shuffled off this mortal series
           Must give us pause."

*ELMYRA:  "Don't forget me, Buster."

She tickles Buster under the chin, and just as he starts to laugh a bit, 
she kisses him.  One of her hands presses against the soft cloth of his
sweater, while the other warmly caresses the back of his head.  Buster,
overcome by a mixture of surprise and pleasure, relaxes in her embrace.
When she releases him two minutes later, he dissolves into a blue puddle
in the middle of the library floor.  Babs unlocks the door and hurries out 
into the night.


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                     ACT II:  Out-of-Bunny Experience


Buster lays splashed out on the floor for a long time.  As the romantic
feeling wears off, he feels so disoriented that he just can't pull himself 
together.  His mind races as he adjusts to the new reality.

BUSTER:   "Oh great.  Now I've got a crush on Elmyra.  I want to be her pet.
           I must have some subconscious deathwish.  And Babs has dropped
           me so she can start dating Plucky.  How could I let this happen?
           My dreams have switched places with my nightmares."

As Buster ponders his plight, Pete Puma wanders up the stairs on his 
janitorial rounds, pulling a custodial cart behind him.

PETE:     "Aaaaaaayup!  Nitro-glycereeen works wonders on soap scum.
           You have to be reeeeely careful doa...."

He suddenly notices the Buster-puddle staining the immaculate marble floor.

PETE:     "Darned kids and their Slush Puppies!"

Pete pulls a dry mop from the cart, and he begins swishing it back and forth
across Buster.  Buster enjoys the experience; it reminds him of the time Babs 
gave him a full-bunny massage.  Soon he is completely absorbed into the mop
fibers.  He continues to think about Babs as Pete drags him to the custodial 
sink.

BUSTER:   "Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way.  Maybe it will be healthy
           for our relationship if Babs dates Plucky for a while and I stay 
           with Elmyra.  I mean, if we really love each other, we'll 
           eventually get back together, right?"

Pete finishes filling his bucket with scalding hot water and pulls the
Buster-mop into the wringer.  Buster feels the steam and wood against his 
watery body for a moment, then cringes in pain as the rollers do their dirty 
work.  With a yelp, he is forcibly wrung from the mop and pours into the hot 
water.  Pete plunges the mop up and down into the watery mixture to clean it; 
the viscosity creates a foamy Buster soup.  Fortunately, liquid Buster is 
much lighter than water, and he soon separates and floats to the top.  The 
shock of the heat and the threat of further agony motivate him to condense 
back into bunny form, and he tumbles out of the bucket with a gasp of relief.

PETE:     "Sheesh rabbit!  School's closed!  Go home to your wife and kids!"

Buster's body temperature is about 100 degrees above normal; he runs down the
hall at high speed to release some of the extra bunny heat.  The sudden 
coolness brings him back to his senses.

BUSTER:   "What was I thinking?  Babs, I miss you already.  What did I do to
           drive you away?  And how can I bring you back to me?"

Dejectedly, he picks up his backpack and slowly trudges down the stairs.



Babs waits patiently outside the library, hidden behind a noble-looking
lion statue.  She sheds the Elmyra costume with relief; her feet are killing 
her.  Buster wanders morosely out the main entrance.  Babs watches him 
eagerly.  She wants to make sure Old Blue Ears sticks to her plan.

BUSTER:   "No warning, no goodbye.  She just dumps me.  I can't take it."

Babs concludes that Buster has suffered enough for making fun of her.  She
comes out of hiding and crosses Buster's path.

BABS:     "Oh hi Buster!  I was just coming to tell you...."

BUSTER:   "That you're sick and tired of me and you've started dating
           waterfowl?"

BABS:     "Buster, what are you talking about?  I just wanted to make sure
           you came to the library downtown.  I forgot to mention that in
           my love letter.  You did read my love letter, didn't you?"

She bats her eyelashes at Buster.  Buster seems rather confused, but signs
of relief begin to spread across his face.  His uncertainties begin to fade
as the comfort of Babs' love floods over him.

BUSTER:   "You mean you still like me?  We can still go out together?  You
           don't like Plucky anymore?"

BABS:     "Buster, the day I like Plucky is the day Fifi enters a nunnery.
           We've been together forever.  I'm not going to drop you for a
           clump of undercooked poultry.  Have a little faith in me, will ya?
           Monogamy is my middle name."

BUSTER:   "I thought it was Self-Control."

BABS:     "Not quite the same thing."

She flashes a mischievous grin; Buster catches it and grins too.

BUSTER:   "It's been a weird evening, Babs.  Elmyra was waiting for me 
           upstairs in the library.  She told me you ran off with Plucky.
           She trapped me and hugged me, and then she LET ME GO!  
           And she called me by name!  I think she really loves me now.  
           She was wonderful."
           
BABS:     "Whoa, Buster!  Are we talikng about the same Elmyra here?  
           The Human Vise, the Smiling Assassin, the Girl Who Measures Love 
           in Pounds per Square Inch?"

BUSTER:   "Say what you like Babs, but I'll never completely forget this
           night.  If love can break through Elmyra's shell, it must be
           the strongest force in the world."

He embraces Babs for a quick hug.  Babs enjoys it for a minute or so, 
relishing the fact that Buster loves her unconditionally.  Then she
breaks off and gets back to business.

BABS:     "Speaking of love, I still have that little rendez-vous planned 
           for us at 6:00, at the County Library?  What time do you have?"

Buster looks up at the Looniversity clock and notices that it's 5:58.
Dumbstruck, he looks at Babs.

BUSTER:   "Two minutes?  That's a long way to go through rush-hour traffic!
           How do you plan to get there on time?"

BABS:     "Race ya!"

Babs rockets off like a pink streak of lightning, closely pursued by a blue
streak.  She makes a sharp turn around a corner and hides as Buster flies  
past her.  She waits a few seconds as Buster fades from sight, then
unpacks her Elmyra costume and pulls it on again.

BABS:     "Can't let him see the real me when Elmyra's busy with him.
           I've just gotta spy on him though.  This could get amusing."

She zips up the suit, making sure the zipper is securely fastened.  Then she 
merrily skips down the sidewalk toward the County Library, singing some 
terrible song about duck abuse that she read in 'Elmyrish Folk Music'.



The deep red sun sets into a bed of lavender clouds on the horizon.  Catching
the last rays, the roof of the County Library is bathed in the fading, lurid
glow.  Jutting from the roof is an ominous-looking penthouse, the well-
furbished home of an overpaid government employee, now converted to a more
diabolical purpose.  Yellowish lights shine from the windows.  Inside,
a sweet but crazy little girl makes her final preparations.  She stares at 
the haunting sunset through the library windows, but her one-track mind is
circling in an infinite loop, fueled by an overdose of coffee.

ELMYRA:   "Tonight, at last, Mr. Hippity-Hop will be in my power, and he 
           won't be trying to resist me ever again.  I'll either squeeze him 
           all together or pull him all apart.  And if I love him too much?
           Well, half a bunny is better than none!"

She recalls the deal she had made with the unstable pink bunny, the contest 
for who gets to keep the pretty blue bunny.  She has to get him to kiss her 
by dressing up as his silly girlfriend.  With a touch of melancholy, she
begins to slip on her Babs Bunny costume.  It's a rather tight fit, except
for the chest and feet, which seem to have plenty of room.  Elmyra secures
everything except the head, which she leaves slouched along her back.  She
gazes into the mirror, looking rather worried.

ELMYRA:   "Well, it won't be my fault if I have to do more than kiss him to
           make him love me.  It takes training to snare a bunny, and
           I've been practicing!"

A cardboard box lies on the floor next to her feet, giving silent witness
to Elmyra's preparations:

                    / ----------------------------------------- /
                  /              ---------------              /  |
                ---------------------------------------------    |
                |       24 INFLATABLE PRACTICE BUSTERS      |    |
                |                                           |    |
                |   Sorry Kids, due to overwhelming demand  |   /
                |        Inflatable Babs is SOLD OUT!       | / 
                ---------------------------------------------

She pulls the last Buster-balloon from the box; it looks like a red, white,
and blue garbage bag, all flattened out.  Elmyra sighs and begins to inflate 
it lovingly.  When it's fully blown, she closes the intake valve and begins 
to pet the balloon.

ELMYRA:   "Would you like to dance, snuggle-bunny?"

Then she drapes her arms around it the most effective cuddle position:  
left arm around the lungs, right arm above the stomach, so it can neither 
breathe nor throw up.  Carefully, tenderly, she caresses it, all the while
strengthening her grip beyond federal safety limits.  The Buster-balloon's 
head and feet begin to swell horribly, then with a terrible bursting sigh, 
it explodes.  The shattered, rubbery remains float gently down to join the 
other popped Busters on the floor.  Elmyra sweeps them under the rug.

ELMYRA:   "All set!  Now where's the real thing?"

With a squeal of delight, she fastens the Babs head around her own and zips
the costume shut.  She catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and she
suddenly realizes how adorable she looks.

*BABS:    "I'm such a cute bunny!  I love myself!"

She gives herself a fast hug, but soon stops because of the intense pain.
Looking back to the mirror, she sees a depraved Elmyra grin spread across
a sweet Babs face.  It is not a pleasant sight.



Buster arrives at the library entrance gasping and wheezing:  breaking MACH 4
takes a lot out of you, even when you're not dodging eighteen-wheelers.  At
least I beat Babs here, he thinks smugly.

He heads up the library stairs.  Fortunately, this library is only six stories
high, so he doesn't wear himself out too much from the climb.  When he reaches
the top floor, he begins looking around for Babs' special hideaway, but finds
nothing.  Various toon students look eagerly into their textbooks, while some
dull businesstoons read the newspapers.  The only unusual thing is a blockade 
of signs and police tape on the staircase leading up to the penthouse:
                                              
                                             /  \
    /--------\        --------------       /      \
  /    STOP    \      \    YIELD   /     /          \     ---------
 |      THE     |      \    TO    /      ---      ---     | AGONY |
  \   CARNAGE  /        \ REASON /         | ONE  |       | AHEAD |
    \--------/           \      /          | WAY  |       |   :P  |
                          \    /           | TO   |       ---------
                           \  /            | DOOM |
\                           \/             --------                         /
 \                                                                         /
\ \-----------------------------------------------------------------------/ /
 \  **  AMINALS RUN,  HARES BEWARES,  DANGER ABOVE,  ELMYRA UPSTAIRS!  **  /
  \-----------------------------------------------------------------------/

BUSTER:   "You don't suppose Babs would have set this up to reserve the
           penthouse for us, do ya?  Oh, she's so clever!  I'll bet nobody
           will disturb us all evening!"

Buster carefully scales his way past the teetering signs, making sure that
he doesn't knock any of them down.  At the top, the door to the penthouse
is covered with a skull-and-crossbones sign and lots of Mr. Yuk stickers,
a last warning to the foolhardy.  Buster tries to open the door, but it's
locked from the inside.  He nonchalantly knocks on the door, but he doesn't 
expect a response, since Babs hasn't arrived yet.

*BABS:    "Who's there?  Are you cute and furry?"

BUSTER:   "Babs?  Is that you?  How did you get up here so fast?  Of course
           I'm cute and furry!  At least, that's what you said on our last 
           date, right before you dunked me in bean dip."

The door opens to reveal an ecstatic *Babs, smiling maniacally.  She starts
panting and drooling.  Buster is a bit puzzled, since Babs doesn't usually 
start panting or drooling until later in the date.  Suddenly, he feels 
himself being lifted by the neck and carried into the penthouse, the door 
tightly locked behind him.  *Babs seems to regain control of herself, and 
she puts him back down on the floor.

*BABS:    "Hello, bunny!"

BUSTER:   "Hello, Bunny!  So we're on a last name basis now?"

*BABS:    "Whatever you like.  Do you mind if I put on some music, hoppykins?"

BUSTER:   "As long as it's passionate.  I'm feeling more romantic than I
           ever have before.  Must have been that close call at the 
           Looniversity Library; I feel so free and uninhibited!"

Buster gives *Babs a warm kiss on the cheek; her fur tastes a bit unusual,
like it's been freshly washed.  *Babs gets up and saunters over to the 
phonograph, looking for some seductive music the poor government guy left
behind when he fled screaming in terror.  Two of her favorite 45's are
on the rack:  "Twist and Shout" and "I'm Never Gonna Let You Go".  She
puzzles over which one to play but can't decide, so she tapes them into a 
figure-eight shape and plays them both at the same time.

BUSTER:   "What is that?  Sounds like a duet with Michael Bolton and
           Whitney Houston."

*BABS:    "Just a little something I put together."

BUSTER:   "Well, I hope your taste for love exceeds your taste in music!"

With that, Buster lays his head on *Babs' shoulder, and he begins massaging
her back and kissing her neck.  The soft fabric of her blouse feels so good
under his touch!  He leans over to her ears and begins whispering his secret
hopes and dreams.  He's a bit upset that she doesn't seem to be responding
with any romantic overtures of her own.  Shouldn't she be hugging him by now?

*BABS:    "Gee, you sure are frisky today!"

BUSTER:   "And you seem awfully calm!  Have you been practicing Shirley's
           meditation techniques again?  Don't get too deep into that
           New Age stuff, or you'll start seeing me as a distraction!"
           


From outside the penthouse window, *Elmyra (who, as you recall, is actually
Babs) looks at the proceedings with more than a hint of jealousy.  She'd had
a whale of a time climbing the side of the building, and she fell twice 
("Being a toon does have its advantages", she'd told herself, as she quickly
recovered from the numerous injuries).  The spectacle in the penthouse has 
her steamed.  All these years spent trying to find Buster's love switches, 
and Elmyra's the one who gets to turn them all on and take advantage of him.  
Worries begin to overwhelm her mind.  What if Buster is so caught up in 
romance that he falls in love with the wrong Babs?



Buster tries all the usual methods to get *Babs excited, but she ignores him.  
Buster grows frantic.  Is she playing hard to get?  How cold can she be?
What does he have to do to get her to stop and pay attention to him?
He gets down on his knees and begins to plead with her.

BUSTER:   "Babs, I know I'm not perfect like Casanova or Romeo or anyone,
           but I love you with all my heart, and I'm suffering because you 
           won't let me know whether you love me in return.  Have I done 
           something to hurt you?  Has someone stolen you away from me?  
           I'm trying my best to say that I can't live without you, and I 
           need you as much as anyone else.  Gosh, we've known each other for 
           so long, and you've never really opened up, never told me how you
           feel.  I want to marry you someday.  But you have to tell me 
           whether you feel the same way about me, because if you don't, 
           I'll leave you alone so you can find true happiness elsewhere.
           I'm all broken up inside.  Please, Babs, tell me?"

*Babs sees the vulnerability in his eyes and comes out of her shell.

*BABS:    "Would you like to dance, snuggle-bunny?"

Buster is a bit flustered by the inquiry.  Is she avoiding the question, or
is she trying to answer it in her own special way?  He gambles on the second
choice, and agrees to dance.  *Babs flips the records over to the other side,
and the music is even more horrible than the A-sides.  Buster holds Babs by
the hands and tries to figure out which dance step would be appropriate.
He remembers that he's not a very good dancer; he'd made such a fool of
himself at the prom.

BUSTER:   "Sounds like an alternating 8/4, 2/6 beat.  Maybe a square-dance
           disco, or a polka ballet?"

*BABS:    "How about a waltz?"

She pulls Buster close to her.  Buster wants to say that a waltz wouldn't 
be an appropraite choice, then he realizes that *Babs is embracing him, 
trying to tell him something.  Could this be the moment?  He rests his head 
against her and lets her lead.  A gentle warmth begins to flow through him.  
It is the warmth of blood vessels being squeezed shut.



Outside, *Elmyra rapturously enjoys the unfolding spectacle.  Relief passes 
over her like a wave of cool water.

*ELMYRA:  "Hah!  What was I worried about?  Buster will never fall in love
           with that bunny-mangling machine!  He'll come running back to
           me as soon as she's done with him."



Buster stares passionately into *Babs' eyes, and he feels the delirium of her
closeness.  He can't think straight; the room starts to spin.

BUSTER:   "Oh Babs, I never felt this way before.  This evening is going to
           be so majestic!  Can you kiss me, please?"

*Babs complies with his request and gives him a long, generous smooch.  As
Buster enjoys the experience, he realizes that he is beginning to lose touch
with reality.  Something is wrong.  He notices that *Babs has given him a
most unusual kiss, one that seals off both the nose and mouth.  He tries to
gasp for breath, but his lungs don't seem to be working.  When he manages to
speak, he sounds like Bert from Sesame Street.

BUSTER:   "Uh, Babsy!  Do you wanna break this kiss for a moment so I can
           catch my breath?  I mean grrrrrrrpppll!"

*Babs replies to his pleas by squeezing as hard as her little arms can manage.
To Buster, the room fades to a mauve color; *Babs begins to look blurry.  
Like Death's cape, a wave of blackness rolls over him, and he loses
consciousness.



Outside, *Elmyra begins to celebrate her victory.  The challenge is over, and
she has won.

*ELMYRA:  "Hah!  It's no contest!  It worked!  My plan worked!  Now Buster
           will hate me and fall madly in love with Elmyra!"

Suddenly, the long-dormant, logical part of Babs' brain springs to life.

*ELMYRA:  "WHAT AM I DOING?!?!  Buster's in mortal danger!  I have to save 
           him!  I have to get out of this costume and revive him before
           it's too late!  Before...."

Wild panic flowing through her body, Babs yanks furiously at the zipper of
her Elmyra costume.  Wouldn'tcha know it, the zipper breaks off in her hands.

*ELMYRA:  "WHAT!  This is no time for a cliche!  I don't wanna be Elmyra
           forever!"

Throwing caution to the wind, she hurls herself through the penthouse window.
Sharp glass shatters all around her, but the costume is well-built, and 
she is not harmed.  *Babs seems upset that *Elmyra has interrupted her
secluded soiree; Elmyra takes off her Babs costume.  Now two Elmyras argue
over the events of the evening.

ELMYRA:   "You didn't let me finish him!  That means you quit, so I win
           the bunny!  He stays with me now."

*ELMYRA:  "You were strangling him!  We have to ask him to find out who he
           likes best.  He won't answer if you send him to the nether 
           regions!"

ELMYRA:   "We don't have to ask him.  Look at him!  He only melted for you,
           but he passed out for me!  That means he loves me more!"

*ELMYRA:  "He didn't pass out because he loved you!  He passed out because
           you cut off his oxygen supply!"

ELMYRA:   "Love, oxygen, same difference!  He can't live without me!"

*ELMYRA:  "He can't live with you either!"

*Elmyra rushes to Buster's side and tries raising his head to restore him to
consciousness.  No response.  She tries shaking him....



Buster feels himself tumbling downward into a bottomless pit of darkness.
He struggles to open his eyes, but all he can see is the reddish glow of
flames far below him.  He gulps dryly as chaotic thoughts fill his mind.
He crashes with a thud onto a bed of volcanic rock.  Pain floods his nervous
system, while a distinctly devillish monster surveys him.

DEVIL:    "Hmmmm.  Buster Bunny.  We weren't expecting you for a while yet.
           Still making preparations.  Well, I guess we'll have to make do
           with what we've begun."

Buster hears faint screams that pass through the walls around him:  "Please,
Lord Seegar, no more Disney cartoons!  My brain is already gone!"  "I'm sorry 
I cancelled Tiny Toons!  Forgive me!  Somebody forgive me!".  There are 
others that he can't quite make out.  He begins to sweat a little.

BUSTER:   "Uh, heh, what am I doing here?  I never killed anybody or anything.
           I'm a pretty easygoing guy.  I expected probably I'd end up in
           the other place.  Any chance someone made a typo, buddy?"

DEVIL:    "Says here you dropped 40 anvils on a defenseless duck.  Also
           says you repeatedly mistreated a young girl.  And you haven't been
           to church since you were baptized."

BUSTER:   "Hey, that Elmyra stuff was all in self-defense!  And Plucky, well
           he kind of deserved it, you know?  And as for church, I, uh...."

DEVIL:    "Well, you'll have plenty of time to wail about it later.  You'll 
           be staying in Hippity-Hop Hades.  I'll arrange for an escort."

A gang of five winged Elmyra devils flies into the room.  Buster gulps 
in fear.  The devils surround him.

E DEVIL:  "Well, lookie who we get to torment for all eternity girls!  It's
           another doomed bunny soul!  Hee Hee Hee!  Let's get him!"

The Elmyra devils pile on top of him.  Some poke him with their pitchforks, 
others tie him up with their pointy tails, while still others seem content
to hug the daylights out of him.  He begins to lose consciousness again,
but this time he falls blissfully into a dreamless sleep....



Buster opens his eyes to find himself back at the penthouse.  His head is
cradled in *Elmyra's arms, and he is staring up at her face.  She seems
worried, and a few tears of relief are flowing from her eyes.  He relaxes
and tries to regain his bearings.  

BUSTER:   "I'm all right now.  Weird things have happened, but they're over
           with.  I'll just take this slowly and find out what's going on." 
           
*ELMYRA:  "Poor little guy!  I apologize for what happened.  How can I
           explain it to you without upsetting you?"

Buster handles his thoughts one at a time.  OK, Elmyra came to the library;
maybe she followed me here.  That means Babs should be here too.  Buster
starts looking around for Babs, but she doesn't seem to be around.  Didn't
she care about what happened to him?

Suddenly, he sees Elmyra walk across the room.  She is carrying a stack of
45 RPM records and muttering about someone cheating in a contest.  Buster
looks up again.  Elmyra is holding him in her arms.  Elmyra is two places
at once, or Elmyra has cloned herself, or....

BUSTER:   "I'm not all right.  I'm out of my mind.  I'm being tortured!
           How do I get out of here?"

The Elmyra at the other end of the room is playing a record on the phonograph.
It is "Bababababarbara Anne", that corny song from the 50's that Babs really
hates.  The Elmyra holding him becomes very disturbed, and she begins to 
scold the other Elmyra.

*ELMYRA:  "What do you think you're doing?  He's not feeling well!  Give
           him a few minutes to recover before we ask him!"

ELMYRA:   "Oh yeah, give you a few minutes to brainwash him and mess up
           his bunny head?  Forget it.  I already know I won.  I'm going
           to take him home with me, so just stay out of my way, or I'll
           take you too."

The Elmyra holding him grows more upset, and she starts caressing his 
forehead and begging.

*ELMYRA:  "Please Buster!  Tell us which one you like best!  Do you like
           me better or her?  It's important!  Wake up, talk to me, please!"

The other Elmyra, fed up with the delays, grabs hold of his feet and begins
pulling and dragging.

ELMYRA:   "Sorry, bunny!  Game's over.  I've got a lovely cage all set for
           you!  You can be my #1 Favorite Pet today!  Just don't try to
           run away."

Buster, losing his tenuous grip on sanity, passes out during the ensuing 
tug-of-war.  
           
*ELMYRA:  "What?  Buster, come back!  Don't leave me again!  I'm sorry!"

She starts sobbing on Buster's chest, and she notices that his breathing
is very shallow.  Frantically, she lunges at Elmyra and grabs hold of the
front of her dress.  

*ELMYRA:  "LET HIM GO!  He's in danger!  Elmyra, you've gotta leave him alone
           long enough for me to save him.  Otherwise, we'll have to bury
           him and you'll never see him again!"

Something in Babs' logic seems to penetrate Elmyra's impenetrable skull.           
She reluctantly agrees to give Babs five minutes to revive him.  And just
to show she's a sport, she tears off Babs' Elmyra costume so she can use
all her bunny powers to bring poor Buster back to life.

Babs starts with CPR, hoping to restore the rhythm to Buster's breathing and
heartbeat.  Buster seems to improve a bit, but disaster strikes:  just as
Buster starts to regain consciousness, he finds Babs' mouth pressed tightly
against his.  Dazed beyond belief, he dissolves into puddle form and passes
out again.  Babs tries performing CPR on the puddle, but she can no longer
locate his vital organs.  Frustrated, she asks Elmyra for suggestions.

ELMYRA:   "On TV, they said if CPR doesn't work, you're supposed to use a
           plunger!"

Elmyra runs off to the penthouse bathroom, and she returns with a plunger.
As Babs stands by and watches hopefully, Elmyra begins furiously plunging the
Buster-puddle, creating lots of disgusting squishy noises and making lots
of wonderful foamy bubbles.

ELMYRA:   "At least he's getting plenty of air!"



While all that is going on, Buster's spirit leaves his puddle-body and begins 
floating skyward.  He doesn't know what to expect on this journey, but it
can't be any worse than what's already happened.  He is enjoying the
freedom of floating when he spots Shirley astrally projecting herself ahead.
She is in the lotus position and seems to be meditating.  Buster swims over 
toward her; Shirley seems to detect his presence, and she takes a good look 
at him.

SHIRLEY:  "Gads!  Buster!  What are you doing up here?  I like didn't know
           that you had your chakras aligned the celestial way!"

BUSTER:   "Actually, Shirl, I don't.  I think my body got so misaligned
           that it'll never work again.  It's probably a one-way trip."

SHIRLEY:  "Oh, bummer!  Were you in an accident?"

BUSTER:   "More like a bad joke.  I'm frightened and confused Shirley.  
           Babs doesn't care about me anymore.  Elmyra split into two parts.  
           I can't deal with life back there anymore."

SHIRLEY:  "Oh my aura!  Did Babs break up with you?  If she did, she's just
           a little tramp.  I'll have to speak with her about this!  You're
           the best guy on the show.  Is she going to settle for Plucky now?"

BUSTER:   "I wouldn't be surprised.  I think it's mostly her fault that
           I'm here."

SHIRLEY:  "Ooooh, I'm gonna make a psycho-cosmic storm that'll teach her a 
           lesson!  Well Buster, if you ever need a karma transfusion or 
           some junk, just let me know, kay?  I wander the higher regions 
           Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Bye!"

With that, Shirley descends toward the earth, and a whirlpool of storm clouds 
congeals around her.  Buster's attention is attracted toward a shining light 
glowing far above him.  

BUSTER:   "This looks like the end of the road.  I hope it's peaceful."

He spies a golden gate ahead, guarded by two archangels.  The angels seem to 
be arguing about whether to combine Disney heaven and Warner hell, and how
Disney's best characters are like Warner's worst.  Buster clears his throat 
and tries to enter the conversation.

BUSTER:   "Hi guys.  Looks like I made it up here, but darned if I know why.
           I thought I was destined for the other place.  Could one of you
           tell me what's going on?  My world was turned upside-down today,
           and I just want an explanation before I accept it."

The angels appear to be uncertain of the situation as well.

ANGEL 1:  "Oh, not another rabbit!  They cause trouble everywhere they go.
           Can't we send him to purgatory for a few centuries?"

ANGEL 2:  "Wait a minute.  He'd make a great playmate for the kids up here."

ANGEL 1:  "Or a great dustmop for the floors up here."

BUSTER:   "Could you please just tell me why Babs doesn't love me anymore?
           After that, you can do whatever you want to me."

The second angel, who appears to have seniority, makes his decision.

ANGEL 2:  "Buster Bunny, I hereby welcome you to the holy domain.  You may
           enter the gates, at which time all of your questions will be
           answered.  You will spend the remainder of eternity in
           Hippity-Hop Heaven."

A glimmer of hope comes to Buster's eyes.

BUSTER:   "Will Babs ever come here to join me?"

ANGEL 2:  "I cannot say.  I only decide the destiny of those before me.
           I'll summon a few angels to show you the way in."

From far across the sky, five angels form a flight pattern, and they
slowly float down to encircle Buster.  Buster's a bit startled when he 
notices that they all look like Elmyra.

E ANGEL:  "Greetings, o chosen one!  We are here to welcome you to the joy of
           Eternal Love.  Hee Hee Hee!  C'mon girls!  Let's get him!"

The Elmyra angels swarm over him.  The first one pulls her halo down over
his head, trapping his arms against his sides, while the others smother him
with hugs and kisses.  Their feathery wings rub against his nose, and he 
starts sneezing uncontrollably.  Losing touch with reality once again, Buster
feels himself plummeting back toward earth.



Buster discovers himself back at the penthouse, still sneezing uncontrollably,
with a cloud of black pepper dust flying around his head.  He sees Babs
through the cloud; she seems to be overjoyed about something.  Buster grasps
the front of her dress and pulls himself up, making certain that she hears
what he says.

BUSTER:   "Babs, do you want to know something about the afterlife?
           IT'S NOT PRETTY!!!"

With that said, he collapses back down to the floor and tries once again to
figure out what's going on.  One question seems rather obvious.

BUSTER:   "Why do I have a plunger on my head?"

BABS:     "Oh Buster, for a while we thought you were going to leave us!  We
           had to take desperate measures to bring you back.  The pepper
           was our last hope."

Buster gazes mournfully around the room.  He notices an empty box of Rice
Krispies ("guess that explains the snapping, crackling, popping sound in my
head"), a half-full bottle of Pepto-Bismol, and an open can of Crystal Drano.

BUSTER:   "I don't feel so good.  Can you please get rid of this plunger?"

Babs grabs a firm hold of the plunger and starts pulling with all her might.
Buster's head and neck stretch all out of shape, but the plunger remains
firmly attached.  Elmyra pushes Babs aside and tries removing the plunger
herself.  Plunging it up and down, over and over, about twenty times, she
finally breaks the seal and the plunger pulls free with a loud pop.  A
deep red ring begins to spread around Buster's head where the plunger was
attached.

ELMYRA:   "Ooh, I bet that mark won't go away for months!"

Babs reaches down, trying to help Buster get to his feet.  Buster flinches 
away from her.

BUSTER:   "Don't touch me!  Stay away!  I don't trust you anymore!  I just
           want to go home."

Babs seems taken aback.  Buster spells out the situation to her.

BUSTER:   "If you didn't love me anymore, all you had to do was say so.
           You don't need to try to get rid of me!  I'll leave you alone           
           for the rest of your life.  Just let me out of this horrible
           penthouse!"

Elmyra notices that the contest has ended, and she wants to find out if 
she won.

ELMYRA:   "Bunny, which one of us do you like the best!"

BUSTER:   "Neither!  I hate you both!"

The words fly out of his mouth before he can think about them.  He's
not sure whether he means it or not.  Babs acts like she's been stabbed
through the heart.

BABS:     "Buster, please, I can explain everything!  Don't leave!"

BUSTER:   "Save it, Babs."

His mind reeling, Buster stumbles out through the broken window of the 
penthouse.  A storm is brewing outside.  Wisps of rain begin flying through 
the shattered glass.

Babs is so distraught that she doesn't follow after him.  She lies down
on the carpet, her head buried in her hands.

BABS:     "I did this!  It's all my fault.  I was so selfish and I didn't care
           what I was doing to him.  He deserves better than me."
                                          
She sobs into the carpet for a few moments, then pulls herself together.

BABS:     "It's not going to end like this!  I'll show him how much I love
           him, and I won't hurt him again!  I just have to find him."

She walks outside the penthouse and looks around the city.  Buster probably
took the fire escape back down to the street, but she can't find any signs
of where he went afterward.  She carefully descends to the sidewalk, looking
through the dark alleyways for evidence of his passing.  The rain picks up,
and her ears become soggy and droopy.  Wiping the rivulets of water from
her face, she wanders the city looking for him.  Lightning flashes across
the sky, and the ground begins to shake with thunder.  Babs plans her 
search strategy.

BABS:     "He said he felt like going home.  I guess I should check there
           first.  But I don't want to upset him.  Maybe I'll just wait
           outside his burrow for a while."

The nearest route to Buster's burrow is through the city park.  The rain
continues to build, and the air throbs with electricity, as Babs makes her
way along the pond's edge.  From another corner of the park, Buster rambles
toward his home, his stomach tied in knots of regret.  There are some things
you just can't take back.

Far above them, Shirley watches their progress.  She had something more in
mind for Babs, an overdue message about treasuring her friends, but Buster
and Babs look like they're going to collide along their paths, and she
figures she'll let them work it out themselves.  She drifts off, leaving 
the storm behind to spend itself out.

BABS:     "Our relationship will never be the same again, no matter what I do.
           I treated him like dirt.  I just hope he'll forgive me eventually."

BUSTER:   "I don't understand this.  I still love her.  Is there any way we
           can work this out?  I don't want to leave her!"

The rabbits are about five hundred feet apart when the storm above makes its
final strike.  A wayward bolt of lightning crashes into a huge tree not far
from where Babs is walking.  Babs is stunned for a moment by the shock, and
part of the tree topples over, a large branch striking her in the back of 
her head.  Buster sees the strike over the treetops, and he flees in a 
different direction, hoping to get safely out of the park before the next bolt
hits.  Babs falls senseless to the ground, her face dangerously close to the
edge of the pond, as the water rises before her.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------


                 ACT III:  The Hippity-Hop Honeymoon Hotel


Buster glances up from his homework to take another look at the clock on his
wall.  It has just turned to 9:00.  He stares back at his homework, his
mind overwhelmed with frustration.  He hates doing homework alone.

BUSTER:   "Babs, why don't you call me?  I thought you wanted to apologize
           or something.  Why can't you call so I can scream at you and
           call you names and tell you how much I still care about you?"

He keeps studying the homework problem.  It's a simple question, but he 
can't seem to focus on it.  He tries visualizing the equation, but all he
can see is a pink and white rabbit face staring back at him from the paper.

BUSTER:   "Maybe I should be the humble one and give her the call.  But
           she's gonna be real sorry when she hears what I have to say.  I
           just hope she doesn't hang up too soon."

He dials Babs' house on his carrot phone.  He knows the number so well that
he doesn't need to think about it.  The phone rings a few times; probably
Babs keeping him waiting.  Finally, there's an answer.

BABS' MOM:"Babs, hon, is this you?  We've been so worried since the storm
           started and we were wondering when you're coming home."

Buster grips the phone tighter.  He starts to go into a mild state of shock.
Babs hadn't made it home yet.  He doesn't know what to say.

BUSTER:   "Uh, hello, this is Buster.  I was just wondering about Babs...."

BABS MOM: "Buster!  You mean Babs isn't with you?  She said she was going
           to the library with you to do your homework!  Where is she?
           You didn't abandon her, did you?  It's dark outside!"

Buster can't handle the strain any more.  He listens to Babs' Mom complain 
about his lack of devotion for a minute or two, then hangs up the phone.

He comes out from his burrow, feeling a breeze as the moon passes through
clouds overhead.  The cool night wind is still laced with the fragrance of 
rain.  He fastens on his backpack and uses the sporadic moonlight to plot
his trail.  There's only one place to start.  Back where the nightmares 
began, back to the penthouse.



A young, kindly man trudges through the watery grass.  He is dressed in 
a damp overcoat, his helmet pulled back, a face that has seen many fires.
A patch marked "Kev B" adorns his otherwise barren uniform.  He carries the 
limp form of a forest creature in his arms.

FIREMAN:  "Little girl, is this the pet rabbit you lost?  She's in pretty
           bad shape.  I found her down by the pond.  Looks like she hit her
           head and fell in the water.  She'd breathed in a little water by 
           the time I got to her.  If I'd gotten there much later, she'd have 
           probably drowned."

Elmyra takes a close look at the rabbit in the pale light.  Muddy yellow
blouse, lavender skirt, pink fur.  Wrong color.

ELMYRA:   "I'm sorry.  That's not my bunny.  He was blue."

The fireman starts to turn away, not sure what to do with the poor rabbit
he's carrying in his arms.  Suddenly, Elmyra's mind flares to life with a
plan so mischievous that she's surprised she never thought of it before.

ELMYRA:   "But I'll take her anyway!  You can never have too many pets,
           you know."

The fireman seems glad to be relieved of the responsibility, and he eagerly
hands Babs over to Elmyra's care.  Then he heads off, back to the fire 
station for more urgent business.



Buster searches through the darkened penthouse, hardly making a sound.  The
lights have been turned off since the library closed.  The only illumination
comes from the streetlights outside.  His long shadow passes over the
shapeless furnishings.

BUSTER:   "There's no trace of her anywhere.  She must have abandoned this
           place after I left.  Was she searching for me?"

He recalls his hasty departure from the building, how he ran away and never
looked back to see if he was being followed.  Maybe he would have seen Babs 
coming after him, would have had the chance to vent all of his anger and 
confusion then.  But the time had passed, and now she was gone.

BUSTER:   "She had to have followed me.  There's nowhere else for her to
           go.  She probably headed for my home."

A vivid image of Babs waiting patiently outside his burrow, with rain 
pouring down on her, flashes through Buster's mind.  He hadn't treated her
with the respect she deserved.

BUSTER:   "Guess it's back to the park.  I should be able to follow her
           trail:  she's got such big feet, and the ground's so muddy.  Just
           hope I don't confuse her tracks with my own."

Briskly walking down the fire escape, he splashes through the rain-filled
potholes and retraces the path toward the park.



Sunlight pours through the church window, and Babs' face is just as radiant.
The day she had been dreaming of for so long has finally come to pass.  Now,
as the seats finish filling up, she looks over the cake, the presents, the
bouquets of carrots, and especially at the handsome bridegroom, who is
fidgeting with the collar of his tuxedo.  Fifi stands off to one side,
playing idly with the fabric of her full-figured bridesmaid's dress.  Babs 
grows a bit jealous, seeing that Fifi is just as sexy as she is.  But nothing
can tarnish this moment, when Buster and Babs will be united forever in front
of the whole world.

Babs starts her march down the aisle.  She sees her family filling the pews
on both sides; all one hundred of her siblings are here.  Most of them seem
bored out of their minds.  Mortimer lies fast asleep on his mother's lap, 
drooling profusely.  Some of the older kids make goo-goo eyes and kissy-faces 
at Babs, but a few give her quiet looks of encouragement.  Shirley and Fifi 
trail behind her, both looking quite ravishing in their sparkling white
bridesmaid dresses, and Elmyra follows from a safe distance with the bridal 
bouquet.  Babs' eyes linger on the bouquet; she wishes she could take the
carrots with her after the ceremony.

Plucky stands beside Buster as the best man, looking so regal that even
Shirley is taken aback, and Hamton stands near him, carrying the wedding
ring.  The front rows of pews are filled with her other friends and 
acquaintances from Acme Loo:  Sweety and Furrball side-by-side, with Furrball
holding two slices of bread; Monty glaring in his usual grouchy mood, but
occasionally glancing fondly at Elmyra; and all her other pals cheerfully 
wave as she passes by.  Finally, in the front row, her parents are consoling 
each other on the coming loss of their daughter.  

Babs looks around, but she san't find any of Buster's relatives in the church.
Was it true that Buster was actually Bugs Bunny's son, and Bugs had gone to
great lengths to hush it up?  Or was that horrible rumor about the airplane
crash true?  Buster had never told anyone what happened to his family.  Maybe
someday he'd have the courage to share the secret.

She walks to the altar and stands by her man.  The priest begins pronouncing 
their vows.

PRIEST:   "Do you, Barbara Anne Bunny, take Buster Ukariah Bunny, to have
           and to hold, to never release, from this day forward, until
           death do you part?"

For the first and only time in her life, Babs is not upset at being called
Barbara Anne.

BABS:     "I surely do."

SHIRLEY:  "Like, watch it with those adverbs Babs!  I don't want to get
           married to your mondo boyfriend or some junk!"

A few tears come to Babs' eyes, as she realizes those carefree days have now
come to an end.

MINISTER: "Do you, Buster Ukariah Bunny, take Barbara Anne Bunny, to have
           and to hold, to hug and to squeeze, for ever and ever, always and
           always, until the end of time?"

BUSTER:   "I uh, I, I, ...."

Babs is a little upset at Buster's stage fright, and she tries calming him
down with a little of her famous humor.

BABS:     "C'mon Buster!  Everyone's looking!  What do you say when the
           nice man asks you to marry me?  Remember the rehearsal?"

BUSTER:   "I, I, can't Babs."

A sudden surge of panic rushes through Babs.  She looks pleadingly at him,
but he won't meet her gaze.

BABS:     "Oh Buster, sob, why?  We had such great plans!"

BUSTER:   "Because you're my sister, Babs.  I'm gonna marry Fifi instead!"

BABS:     "WHAT?!?!"

Fifi rushes to Buster's side, wrapping him lovingly in her tail.

FIFI:     "We hef finally found ze true happiness, my little pony, no?  
           Come avay vis me to ze getaway car!"

Buster sweeps Fifi off her feet and cuddles her close to his chest.  They
trot back down the aisle, as Babs starts to erupt with fury.  She lunges for 
Elmyra's bouquet and grabs two large, leafy carrots.  Then she charges
after two fleeing lovebirds, waving the carrots toward them menacingly.

BABS:     "Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Backstabber!  Let's see you enjoy your
           marriage after an overdose of beta-carotene!"

Just as Babs catches up to them, the church tumbles into chaos.  Furrball
and Sweetie start a riot in the front of the church, Babs' brothers and 
sisters stampede toward the bathroom (crushing everyone in their path, 
including Babs), and Elmyra successfully grabs hold of the priest ("No!  
Release me!  I took a vow of celibacy!").

The sunlight fades away as Babs expires beneath the hundreds of furry feet....



Suddenly, she opens her eyes, and finds that she's lying on a cold cement
floor.  Her head is pounding and she feels awfully weak.  

BABS:     "Oh brother, I've had nightmares before, but that one takes 
           the cake!  What would Freud have said about it?"

Gazing upward, she recognizes the rusting, empty cages swinging overhead,
and her mind wakes up with a start.

BABS:     "Elmyra's house!  Why am I here?  This can only mean...."

She rolls onto her stomach, just in time to see the hug-happy little girl
rushing toward her with open arms!

ELMYRA:   "Oh, you tragic little bunny!  I'm so glad you're OK!"

Elmyra quickly establishes a choke-hold on defenseless Babs' neck.

ELMTRA:   "You got a nasty bumpy-wumpy on your heady-weady!  I was going
           to call Dr. Zhivago if you didn't wake up."

Babs groans inwardly.  Dr. Ulysses Zhivago, the pathetic veterinarian, 
replacement for Dr. Gene Splicer.  How fitting that Elmyra chose him as her
personal pet doctor.  The guy knows nothing about how to treat animals.
All the toons harrass him whenever they get sent to his office for check-ups.
Suddenly, Babs feels Elmyra pressing her windpipe and esophagus together, and 
she yelps in protest.

BABS:     "Urgh!  Elmyra!  You're cutting off my circulation!"

ELMYRA:   "You won't be doing any more circulating, bunny!  You're staying
           with me!"

With that, she picks up Babs like a rag doll and carries her over to a
gleaming, huge, well furnished cage in the center of the room.  She then
unceremoniously dumps Babs into the cage, which locks itself tightly
behind her.

ELMYRA:   "Welcome to your new home, Mrs. Hippity-Hop!  This is ACME's
           Calamity 2000 Escape-Proof Bunny Cage.  I had to save for two
           months to buy it, but I love it!  It punishes anybunny who tries
           to escape, so I don't have to!  You get to stay here while my
           pretty blue bunny comes to rescue you."

A surge of hope fills Babs' heart, as the memory of Buster brings her a
moment of comfort.  Then she remembers what she did to him.

BABS:     "Buster's not coming for me.  He doesn't love me anymore.  Didn't
           you hear what he said?"

Despite the bump on her head, Babs manages to come up with a rudimentary plan.

BABS:     "But he wants to see you again!  Elmyra, he's madly in love with
           you!  Why don't you let me go so I can bring him back to you?"

ELMYRA:   "Oh no, bunny, I can't let you run away!  I need two bunnies today!           
           My math book says that if I put two bunnies in a cage, in a few
           months I'll have hundreds of bunnies!  Hyuk, hyuk, stay put while
           I set the trap!"

With a gleeful, menacing departure, Elmyra trods up the stairs, turns on her
multimillion-dollar surveillance system, and starts playing with the dials.
Strange clicking and gnashing sounds fill the air around Babs.



Buster trudges through the mud, quite satisfied with himself for locating
Babs' tracks.  She'd been following him alright, and doing a fairly good job
of it.  He wonders why she never caught up to him, and where she went.  Then
he starts thinking of what he'll do once he finds her.

BUSTER:   "First I'm gonna make her explain what happened today, even if I
           have to tickle her till she's unconscious.  Then I'll gloat over
           her and make her get down on her knees and apologize to me.  And
           after that, I'll grab her in my arms, stare her in the face, give
           her the biggest hug of her life, whisper "I love you!" in her big
           ears, and probably top it all off with a tender kiss on the lips.
           That'd probably mess up her mind pretty bad."

Visions of Babs groveling before him fill his thoughts as he passes through 
the puddles and soggy grass.  He stops with surprise as he sees the shattered
tree ahead, and the surprise turns to anguish as he notices that the tracks
lead toward it.  He runs to the shore of the lake and reads the signs as
well as he can.  The only thing he can be certain of is that Babs was
knocked down at the edge of the lake and had lain there for a long time.  
Maybe too long.  The water has risen and filled the depression she had made 
when she fell.

Buster's head throbs, with the possibility of Babs' death filling his mind. 
He could never accept that, nothing could make him believe it until he knew
it was true.  He kneels by the shore for a few long minutes, trying to 
collect his thoughts.  He then stares at the large, human tracks that march 
rapidly off into the distance.

BUSTER:   "Boots.  Look like fireman's boots.  If Babs were, choke, dead,
           he wouldn't have been running so fast, would he?  Unless he
           didn't know.  He must have carried her away."

Abandoning the shore, he sets off for the fireman's trail, praying that the
fireman didn't reach the highway where Buster could never track him.  He 
wanders through the forest for a while and comes upon a clearing.  There, 
he recognizes the hideous Oxford shoeprints immediately.

BUSTER:   "Elmyra!  She's taken Babs!  What has she done?  She's gonna pay!"

Rage fills Buster as he darts off to Elmyra's house.  His fears are pushed
to the back of his mind as he plans his assault.  Elmyra's pet cellar is
highly fortified and very nasty; escaping with Babs will not be easy.  If
she's still there, still alive....



Babs lies forlornly at the bottom of her cage.  The pain in her head has
subsided, but she's hungry and depressed.  She stares at the cold bars of 
her cage and tries to think creatively.  All of her traditional escape 
methods had been thwarted by the cage.  Elmyra would never let her out until 
Buster arrived.  And Buster would never arrive.  

She lies still on the cage floor, thinking hard and sobbing a little.  She 
doesn't notice the blue form that slips like a shadow across the corners of 
the room, carefully avoiding the trip wires and burglar alarms scattered
everywhere.  Buster works his way around the room until he gets a good look
at the center cage, and the motionless form inside it.

BUSTER:   "Babs?  NO!  PLEASE, NO!!"

Losing all sense of reason, Buster runs toward her, setting off a moving 
stone trap that triggers a catapult, hurling him into the cage and onto Babs
with substantial force, and the cage locks shut behind him.  Babs "oofs" 
quietly as he collides with her, unsure what's going on, but her mind works 
quickly, and she plays dead.

BUSTER:   "Oh, Babs, why?  Why not me instead?  You were the only one who
           gave any meaning to my miserable life!"

Buster lifts Babs into his arms, and she lies back limply, melodramatically.
Her eyes are shut, and Buster cries onto her tender body.

BUSTER:   "I can't go on without you!  I won't!  Babs, if you won't stay
           on this wretched planet, neither will I!  I'll, I'll...."

Buster lowers his head in sorrow, sobbing frantically.  With his head
down, he notices that Babs is smiling.  Not a big smile, but it was definitely
not there before.  A vengeful, playful feeling runs over him, and he doesn't 
miss a beat in his tirade.

BUSTER:   "I'll have to leave this all behind.  This life is over.  I have
           to start everything anew.  Maybe Shirley will take me."

He glimpses back at Babs' face.  Her smile has vanished.

BUSTER:   "Or perhaps Fifi?"

That did it.  The smile has turned into a nasty frown.  So Babs is jealous
of Fifi, huh?

BUSTER:   "It'll be so hard getting used to a girlfriend who never wears
           clothes.  Or who wraps her boyfriend in her long, luscious tail
           and never lets him go.  But I'll adjust, eventually...."

He takes a good long look at Babs, who is now so infuriated that she's
trembling.  He smiles broadly as Babs jumps for him and pins him against
the cage floor.

BABS:     "Only dead a few minutes and you're already replacing me?  You
           no-good traveling salesman!  I oughta...."

BUSTER:   "Rope it in, Drooly-Babe.  You're not an Academy-Award caliber
           actress yet."

Babs releases her hold and hobbles morosely to a corner of the cage.  She's
still ashamed of herself.

BUSTER:   "Hey, Barbara Anne, wasn't there something you wanted to apologize
           for?  Something very important?"

Buster waits eagerly for the apology to begin.  As soon as Babs confesses,
he can find out what the heck's been going on, and they can start mending 
whatever harm has been done.  But Babs lies huddled in the corner, moisture
welling outside her eyes, and she can't bring herself to speak.  Buster
waits patiently while Babs cools off; she never makes things easy for him.

BUSTER:   "So, how are the accommodations here at Hotel Elmyra?"

BABS:     "Sniff, oh Buster, it's terrible!  It's so lonely; all the other
           animals are gone.  And she hasn't been feeding me."

BUSTER:   "Gee Babs, you had a big lunch at Acme Loo today, probably had a
           big supper after school too."

BABS:     "But I'm STARVING!  I've been under so much stress since I 
           thought you were...."

Babs is rudely interrupted by the sound of clomping feet.  Overhead, the
moaning of "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" is abruptly squelched as Elmyra
shuts off the TV.  She runs over and checks her bunny alarm system, giggling
delightfully as she observes the red status lights, and she noisily climbs
down the cellar steps.

ELMYRA:   "Oh joy!  My wish has come true!  Two bunnies!  Now I can have as
           many as I want!"

Buster groans as his least favorite person comes over to stare at her new
pets.

ELMYRA:   "Ooooooooh, I can hardly wait!  Maybe the baby bunnies will arrive
           any minute?"

Buster is rather flabbergasted.

BUSTER:   "Baby bunnies?  Hello Elmyra, have you lost your mind?  What are 
           you talking about?"

Elmyra pulls out her math book and hands it to Buster, pointing to the
chapter marked "The Fibonacci Sequence".  There Buster sees a charming family
tree, starting with two rabbits who bear a striking resemblance to him and
Babs, and continuing down through countless pairs of rabbits that span a
dozen generations.  Buster stares for a while, a dazed expression passing
over his face as he tries counting the little bunnies.  Seeing that Buster's 
face is tightly in the book, Elmyra can't resist her primal urges.

ELMYRA:   "Kiss yourself!  Kiss yourself!  Kiss yourself!!!"

She giggles hysterically as she pounds Buster in the face repeatedly with
the math book, then smashes it shut on his head.  She pulls it out of the 
cage, as Buster turns his now-rectangular head toward Babs, who can't help 
but giggle herself.

BUSTER:   "What are you laughing at, fluff chick?"        

BABS:     "Oh, nothing, you just look like Plucky after that first crescendo
           on The Anvil Chorus.  Ha ha ha!"

BUSTER:   "You ungrateful ..., after I came to rescue you!"

Buster hops over to Babs in a single bound, grabs an ear in each hand, and
quickly ties her ears into a square knot.  Babs yelps as he tightens her
tender ears, then she reaches up and tries untangling them, but she can't see
them, so she has a great deal of trouble.

Feeling satisfied, Buster trudges over to the far corner and looks at his
current predicament with disdain.  Babs tries pleading with Elmyra, knowing 
that it never does any good.  She can't even hear herself talk, with her 
ears all tied up.

BABS:     "Aw, come on Elmyra, you can't do this to us!  We had a deal.
           What about the contest?"

ELMYRA:   "I decided to compromise, Mrs. Hyper-Head.  You get to keep him,  
           and I get to keep you.  See, we both win!"

Buster's ears pick up the talk of the contest, and he glares at Babs with
his "you have some explaining to do" look.  Babs quiets herself and huddles
down.  Buster's rather upset; why is she so introverted all of a sudden?
He figures he might as well talk to Elmyra; she's always good for some
mind-numbing conversation.

BUSTER:   "Hey, are you my new mommy?  Where are all the other aminals?"

Elmyra enjoys the depreciating attitude Buster treats her with.

ELMYRA:   "Hee, I sent them all out to the doctor for checkups and shots!  
           It was so hard getting that stinky kitty in the ambulance though.
           Everybody in the back seat passed out!"

Buster frowns at the thought.  He's not too happy with the prospect of Fifi
getting her shots.  Most of her fans don't mind if she's rabid.

ELMYRA:   "Well, I'll let you two get to know each other.  But remember, I 
           want a dozen lavender baby bunnies by 10:30, or I'll hug you both
           into subatomic pieces!"

Elmyra skips back up the stairs and clicks on the TV.  The opening theme
to "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood" fills the house.  Buster wonders which of 
Elmyra's bizarre TV shows is responsible for her vegetable-like IQ.

BABS:     "Buster, what's happening?  What'd she say?  UNTIE ME!!"

Buster reluctantly untangles Babs' ears, petting them just a bit as he 
proceeds.  Babs calms down a little as he gently separates them.  Buster
can barely resist the urge to hug her, she looks so vulnerable.

BUSTER:   "Have you called our lawyer?"

BABS:     "Nah, Elmyra wouldn't give me a phone call."

BUSTER:   "Then looks like we've got a jailbreak on our hands.  Should be a 
           piece of cake though.  I'm surprised you didn't break out 
           yourself!"

BABS:     "Good luck, Mr. Alcatraz.  I'll just sit back and watch."

BUSTER:   "Might as well try digging.  That's what rabbits do best!"

BABS:     "Hardly.  Elmyra wants us to do what rabbits do best."

Buster ignores Babs' lackadaisical attitude and starts tearing at the cage
floor.  It's made of a very tough steel alloy, and it has a lot of small,
sharp ridges.  Buster shreds his gloves to ribbons and nearly hurts his hands
before giving up.  He takes a close look at the cage bars and tries gnawing
through them with his teeth, but they're filled with some chemical that
tastes hideous, and he stops after getting nauseous.  Then he grabs a cage
bar in each hand and shakes vigorously; this triggers an electric shock that
fires him up like a lightning rod, sending little electrical bolts out his
hyperextended ears.  Finally, he collapses on the floor and admits defeat.

BABS:     "I tried all that stuff.  At least you didn't reach under the cage
           looking for a release lever.  I got my hand stuck down there and
           couldn't free it for a half hour."

BUSTER:   "Want to do our math homework?  Looks like we won't be going 
           anywhere for a while."

The two bunnies make an effort to work through the problems, but they all deal
with the Fibonacci sequence, and they can't concentrate on them.  Babs starts
laughing, figuring that she'll be a grandmother in three weeks if the book
is accurate.  Buster starts coming up with extremely ridiculous names for
his future kids, such as Bubbawannadrinkawata and Cageylovechild.  They both
enjoy themselves, feeling glad about each other, and nestle down for a nap.
The moon shines from a window high above, as the two rabbits sleep contentedly
side-by-side.



Time passes, weeks stretch into months, and the restless bunnies have nothing
to do except fulfill Elmyra's wishes.  After a little practice, they quickly
get the hang of things, and they soon become the proud parents of four
charming (?) little rugrats.  Stevie is their firstborn, and they fawn and
coo over him so much that he gets a severe ego problem.  Next comes Jenny,
who decides to divert her mom and dad's attention away from Stevie by doing
all sorts of inspired jokes at their expense.  Jody follows, a very sweet  
little guy who treats his parents with great affection, even though he thinks
it's lots of fun to drive them crazy.  Tiny Karen arrives last, a doe-eyed 
sweetheart who could fit right in with Saddam Hussein's regime when she gets 
mad.  Stevie is about 8 years old intellectually, Jenny is 6, Jody 5, and 
Karen 2.  All four kids seem to have inherited the most extreme traits from 
their folks, which is quite scary.

Buster and Babs rouse themselves from another routine night sleeping in the 
cage.  Elmyra expanded the cage to accommodate the whole family, and it now
fills up most of the basement.  The rabbits have nearly forgotten what it
was like to be free, and they seem to have adjusted to permanent 
incarceration.

BUSTER:   "Well gorgeous, the kids are still asleep.  Wanna check out the
           Karma Sutra section of the math book and run a few iterations 
           of Newton's method?"

BABS:     "Buster, we already have four kids, how many more do you want?"

Their discussion awakens their kids, who quietly conspire among themselves
to start causing trouble.  Jody doesn't like the sound of some of the tricks,
but he loves the rest of them.  The kids shake on it and look charmingly up 
at their parents.

BUSTER:   "Aw, hi kids!  You look like you slept well last night!"

KAREN:    "Oh daddy, we sure did!"

Karen jumps happily into Buster's open arms and snuggles against his sweater.
Buster caresses her soft brown fur, while Stevie sticks a match between 
Buster's toes and quickly lights it.

BABS:     "Hey, nobody appreciates their mommy, who carried you inside her
           for three long months each?"

Babs' dismay falls away as Jody runs to her for a big hug.  She pets him
lovingly as he squeezes tightly against her; the little lavender guy has
always been her favorite.  While Babs is busy, Jenny slides a medium-sized
stick of lit dynamite down Babs' back.

STEVIE:   "I hope Elmyra keeps letting us watch TV.  That Bonkers show's
           really cool.  All Disney stuff is cool.  Unlike Warner Brothers,
           with that corny Tiny Toons and everything."

JENNY:    "The only cartoon I love is Tale Spin, and only because of Don
           Karnage.  Sigh!  He makes me swoon!"

Buster moans to himself.  Elmyra has been spoon-feeding his kids Disney
cartoons ever since they were babies; they'd probably never recover enough
to enjoy a distinguished episode of Tiny Toons and laugh at their parents'
antics.  He resigns himself to an eternity of the Disney channel and
turns on the TV, wondering if Disney will ever buy out Warner Brothers
so he can see himself again.

JENNY:    "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a miltiant feminist swimsuit model.
           Omigosh!  It's Tale Spin!  There's Don!  Oh, SWOON!"

Jenny faints away on the cage floor, and Jody is right by her side with the
smelling salts.  He pushes the salts into her nostrils and waits for them
to take effect; it's such fun watching her wake up and shake that thick
furry orange head of hers, trying to get the salt out.  Jenny revives in a 
minute or two, but then she glances at the TV and passes out again.  Jody 
keeps the smelling salts handy, because Jenny gets really angry when she 
sleeps through a whole episode.  Soon he gets her head turned away from the
TV and revives her again.

JODY:     "Falling for a fox is bad news, sis.  If your dreams come true
           and you really do get to meet him, he'll eat you up!"

JENNY:    "Sigh!  And I'll enjoy every minute of it!"

Babs seems to hear a faint hissing sound, but she dismisses it as noise from 
Elmyra's dishwasher.  Meanwhile, Buster starts to feel a little warm.

BUSTER:   "Gee guys, did Elmyra turn up the heat again?  Is it winter
           already?"

JODY:     "Nah, you're probably just having hot flashes.  Maybe it's
           'cause mommy's making us a new baby brother?"

Jody smiles eagerly at his mom, but she shakes her head no.  She feels a
little warm too, but she can't quite place the feeling.  It seems to be
coming from behind her, no matter which way she turns....

Buster starts perspiring heavily, his sweater becoming thoroughly soaked.
He gasps, heading for the water bottle in the corner to try and cool himself
off, but nothing works.  Finally, he looks down and notices that his left
foot has just caught on fire.

BUSTER:   "AOOOOOH!!!!  My poor blazing foot!  Call the arson squad!"

Babs can't stop laughing as Buster runs around the cage, fanning the flames.
Stevie offers to extinguish the blaze with a gallon of gasoline, but Jody
intervenes and douses Buster with water from the family water bottle.  Buster
looks up pitifully, like a sick puppy.

BABS:     "Aw Buster, you should be more careful with the kids, they're so
           playful!  Sniff!  Hmm, I smell gunpowder."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

Babs is totally absorbed by a terrible explosion that resembles a small
nuclear detonation; fortunately, nobody else gets hurt.  As the smoke clears,
a fine, powdery curtain of ash descends into a pile in the center of the cage
where Babs used to be.  Karen and Jody mix the ash with Buster's sweat and 
build a nice little sand castle.

BUSTER:   "Gee, I'm surprised that you kids are so good at this stuff!  You've
           never seen a Warner Brothers cartoon in your whole lives, but
           you have the physical abuse down to a T."

JODY:     "Must be genetically inherited, like instinct."

KAREN:    "I wanna be just like my mommy and daddy on their worst day!"

After a few minutes, the sand castle starts to shudder, and a rather annoyed 
Babs emerges from the ruins.  

BABS:     "Alright children, you've been so naughty, we'll have to put on 
           your straightjackets again.  Buster, you wanna help me with these?"

Buster sighs, and he starts helping Babs fit a lovely little long-sleeved
number on Karen.  Meanwhile, Stevie and Jenny ambush their parents from 
behind.  Soon, Buster and Babs are adorably dressed in two straightjackets
each, and the kids dust off their hands cheerfully.  Babs starts steaming
again, but Jody nestles up against her and pets her tenderly on the head.  
She can't resist little Jody's love, and she calms down.

JENNY:    "Looks like they finally know who's boss, huh Stupid Stevie?" 

STEVIE:   "Yeah, it's me, Jerky Jenny!"

Jenny and Stevie start wrestling like rabid pit bulls.  Stevie's heavy
purple fur blurs with Jenny's soft orange fur as they tumble against the 
walls in a real-life steel cage match.  Jody and Karen wager carrots on the 
outcome.  Buster and Babs wriggle around helplessly, hoping that the kids 
don't hurt each other.

BUSTER:   "I feel like I'm on an especially bad episode of The Brady Bunch."

BABS:     "Don't look now, but here comes Alice."

The dreaded sound of skipping shoes echoes from the far end of the room, and
Elmyra saunters over to the cage to get a good look at her aminal family.
Jenny and Stevie abruptly stop fighting and try to look lovable so Elmyra
will let them play in the yard.

ELMYRA:   "Awwww!  Look at all the baby bunnies!  Will you be my pet?"

Elmyra reaches through the cage bars, grabs Jenny around the stomach, pulls
her out, and starts squeezing heartily.

JENNY:    "Help!  Mommy!  Daddy!  Save me!"

The paternal and maternal instincts of Buster and Babs kick into high gear,
but they can't break free of the straightjackets.

BABS:     "Let her go, you factory reject!  I'll pound you!"

BUSTER:   "Wait!  Don't hurt my kids!  Uh, take me instead!"

Elmyra's eyes glow a bit as she considers the offer, then graciously accepts.
She crams Jenny back through the cage bars, pulls Buster out of the cage, 
tears off his straitjackets, and starts viciously cuddling him for old time's 
sake.

JODY:     "Oooh, do we get to visit daddy in the hospital again?"

JENNY:    "I get to press the elevator button!"

STEVIE:   "I get his oxygen mask!"

KAREN:    "And I get to drive!"

Elmyra pulls Buster off to the side and lets him catch his breath for a
few minutes.  She has an announcement to make.

ELMYRA:   "Well kiddy-widdies, in honor of your mommy and daddy's Fifth 
           Year of Captivity, I'm gonna let you watch one episode of 
           Tiny Toon Adventures!  Pay attention, because it's probably
           the only one you'll live to see!"

A surge of hope floods through Buster and Babs.  Now their kids can finally
see their parents in their glory days, when they were the hottest stars on
television!  As Elmyra disconnects the Disney-only cable box (invented by
Michael "Eisney" Eisner himself), Buster drools, wondering what the day's
episode will be.  He'd love to see "The Amazing Three" again, where Babs
wore her transparent dress, or maybe "Her Wacky Highness", but he'd settle for
any good episode where he got to pound Elmyra with anvils.  Babs hopes to see
Hamton and Plucky again, but she wants to see "The Loony Beginning" most
of all, where Buster was totally naked for a good two minutes.  All the
bunnies glue their eyes to the TV as the opening credits roll.  The kids seem
quite impressed, and Karen starts humming the theme song.  Then the show
officially opens....

BUSTER:   "Elephant Issues???????!!" 

BABS:     "No, it can't be!  Please!"

The TV ignores Buster and Babs' pleas for the entire half hour.  As the 
closing credits begin, the crestfallen Buster and Babs are peppered with
questions.

JODY:     "Gee daddy, I didn't know you were an alcoholic?"

JENNY:    "How could you be so cruel to that poor robot?"

KAREN:    "Why was Dizzy in the same grade as you if he couldn't read?"

STEVIE:   "You should have defected to Disney when you had the chance!"

Elmyra shuts down the TV and prepares Buster for an afternoon of intense
snuggling and squishing.  Karen frets for a while, then stares longingly at 
the pretty keyring hanging from a peg on the wall, and the assortment of keys
dangling from it.

KAREN:   "Aunty Elmyra, can I play with the keyring, huh?"

Elmyra is so taken aback by the sweet little bunny that she hands the keyring 
to Karen.  Karen chews on the ring for a while, making sure she looks cute 
every time Elmyra glances at her.  When Elmyra's back is turned, she slips
out through the bars and creeps away, deftly avoiding all of the alarms 
scattered across the floor.

ELMYRA:  "Well bunny-wunnies, after I finish off daddy, would you like to
          go outside and play hide and squeeze?"

The bunnies try to keep their happy faces, but they all have terrible memories
of that particular game.  They had managed to turn hiding into an art form,
but every once in a while Elmyra would stumble across one of them, and then
they wouldn't be able to eat solid food for weeks.

ELMYRA:  "Your mommy can stay here as a hostage, while the four of you...."

Elmyra seems a bit upset.  She gets the feeling that one of her bunnies is
missing.  She counts the baby bunnies over and over, finally deciding that
there are only three of them left!  She reaches in and lifts each of them
up, trying to discover where the fourth one is hiding.

From the driveway outside comes the Vroom-Vroom of an engine being revved.
Babs jumps up in the air for joy.

BABS:    "She's done it!  Karen's escaped!  Now she can call the police!
          We'll be rescued!  Go, Karen, go!"

Elmyra grabs Buster as a negotiating tool.  Then she races up the steps and 
sprints to the driveway, just in time to be run over by Karen and her newly 
acquisitioned 1994 Neon.

KAREN:   "So long Cuckoo's Nest, hello Las Vegas!  Maybe I'll meet Skippy
          and we can get hitched!"

The two-year-old rabbit accelerates the car and dashes for the Interstate.
Thus begins an epic adventure that lasts six years, involves eight hundred
police cars, and generally makes "Babsie on Board" look like a Sunday drive
in the park.

Babs frets as her dreams of escape begin to die off.

BABS:    "I can't take it any more!  These kids have driven me out of 
          my mind!  Why couldn't they be sane like me?"

Incredibly frustrated, Babs grabs hold of the cage bars and starts shaking 
them with all her might.  The familiar electrical jolt floods through her,
but she grabs tight and doesn't let go, until she's thoroughly fried and
looks like a Rice Krispy.

STEVIE:  "Hey, that looks cool!" 

Stevie follows Babs' lead, and Jody and Jenny join in as well.  Soon all
three have shocked themselves into a state of crispy bliss.  

JODY:    "Man, that was a blast!"

Babs just lies on the floor for a while, recalling all her youthful days as
a TV star, while Stevie starts dousing her with gasoline....



Babs feels an annoying tapping on her shoulder.  She looks up to find Buster
looming over her.  The cage seems to be smaller than it was.  She seems 
younger than she was, and her kids have vanished!  Suddenly she realizes that
she was dreaming again.

BUSTER:  "Babs, you shouldn't use your imagination like that without telling 
          everybody first.  The children in the audience might suffer severe 
          psychological trauma."

BABS:    "Naaah, they still love us."  

She poses affectionately and waves at the audience.

BABS:    "Hi kids!"

BUSTER:  "Perhaps you'd like to tell the kids where we left off, so they 
          don't think the whole show was one big nightmare?"

BABS:    "Let's see, we had just decided to take a nap on the cage floor...."

BUSTER:  "And then your brain went into overload, like it always does.  It's
          really creepy being inside your delusional fantasies, Babs.  You
          have no sense of logic or continuity.  And you know we can never 
          have kids without written permission from Warner Brothers.  We are 
          copyrighted, after all."

Babs shrugs and kneels down on the floor, deep in thought.

BABS:    "Buster, now that you're here, there may be a way for one of us to
          escape.  It's a drastic plan, but it's the only one I could come
          up with."

BUSTER:  "And what, praytell, might it be?  Contact Shirley by telepathy
          and have her blow up Elmyra's house with psychokinesis?"
          
BABS:    "Nah, much more subtle.  I have to liquidate your assets."

Buster cringes, wondering what Babs has in mind.  She advances towards him,
now he can tell all too well what she has in mind.  He cowers away from her, 
remembering the terrible things that happened when she hugged him earlier in 
the evening.  But there's no room to run, and she pins him against the 
cage bars.  For a split second, he fears that Babs may want to accept 
Elmyra's offer and start the bunny farm.

He gasps in fright as Babs wraps her arms around him, and he waits for the 
pain to reach his brain.  But then he sees her face, and a terrible sadness 
seems to have taken over her thoughts.  She hugs him so gently that he could 
brush her aside, if he wanted to.  He embraces her and holds her protectively.
Babs becomes rather shaken at Buster's affection; after all she'd done, he
still loves her!  Her remaining shyness passes away, and she returns the
embrace, then tilts his head towards her and gives him a deep kiss.  New
hopes and old memories rush through Buster's mind, "She doesn't want to hurt 
me, she still cares about me, she loves me!"  It's not her closeness nor
her softness that reaches down into him, but the simple love that they've
shared their whole lives, the love that never fades away, even when it is
forgotten.  He feels himself begin to melt in her arms; soon he flows down
to the cage floor, over the edge, and down to the cool cellar floor.  Free.

Babs watches him move, feeling misty-eyed as she realizes that they'd been
fooling themselves.  Nothing can separate those who were meant for each other.

BABS:    "Hey Buster!  Do you think you can help me get out of here?  Maybe
          there's a switch on the wall that'll shut everything off?"

Buster continues to flow along the floor, not even hearing Babs as the
tenderness of romance sweeps him along.  Gravity helps too.

BABS:    "Blue Ears, wake up already!  I don't want to be stuck here all 
          night!  Eeeep!  Buster, look out for the storm drain!"

Babs yells frantically, but to no avail.  Buster gurgles into the drain at
the edge of the cellar floor, completely oblivious to everything.  Then
he vanishes from sight.  Babs gulps, then starts wringing her ears.

BABS:    "Buster, you dweeb!  They just renovated the water treatment plant!
          You're gonna get recycled into a million molecules!"

Babs runs a few partial differential equations through her head.  Taking into
account gravity, Buster's viscosity, and turbulence, she figures she'll have
67 minutes to save him before he reaches the nasty purification system.
67 minutes, somehow she'd have to free herself and hunt him down.  How
could she do that?

A few scattered fragments of her psyche fly around inside her head, but they
don't merge into any kind of a plan.  She starts pounding her head in hopes 
that some new ideas will enter her brain.  The clanging sound alerts Elmyra, 
who comes down the stairs to investigate.  Elmyra takes a good look at the 
cage, and it doesn't take her too long to figure out who's missing.

ELMYRA:  "HEY!  Where'd my blue hippity-hop go?  He was right here when I 
          left.  If you let him get away, I'm gonna donate you to the butcher 
          shop!  Where is he?"

BABS:    "I, I... ate him!"

A look of stunned disbelief falls over Elmyra's face for a few moments, then
she bursts into tears.

ELMYRA:  "WAAAAAAAAAAH!  The poor bunny-wunny!  I loved him so!"

BABS:    "Hey Elmyra, now that the bunny colony is down the tubes, howsabout
          letting me outta here?  Please?"

ELMYRA:  "Oh no, you psychotic cannibal bunny!  I'm gonna call the doctor and
          ask him how to make you throw up!"

Elmyra busily dials the phone, and Babs lies back against the bars, stunned
by the boundless depths of Elmyra's dimwittedness.  The call goes through,
and Elmyra gets in touch with Dr. Zhivago, toon veterinarian.

 ZHIVAGO: "Uh, hello?  Is this an emergency?  I'm awfully busy right now.
           Trying to give a rabies shot to an unwilling skunk.  Settle down!"

 FIFI:    "Unhend me, you croo-el monztair!"

 ELMYRA:  "Oh doccy-woccy, it's a matter of life and death!  My girl bunny
           ate my boy bunny, and I need to get him back!"

 ZHIVAGO: "Er, hmmm.  Have you tried syrup of Ipecac?"

 ELMYRA:  "Ipecac?  I have a pet kitty!"

 ZHIVAGO: "Oh, never mind.  Try reaching down her throat, and if that
           doesn't work, just make her nauseous."

 ELMYRA:  "OK, doc, so how's the family?"

 ZHIVAGO: "Just great, now that I've got your folks' bills to pay off my 
           college expenses.  What the...."

 A deafening blast fills the phone lines as cinder blocks fall to the ground.
 Then a roaring, flame-forged man bellows at the doctor.

 PAUL:    "Are you the PIG who's trying to shoot my girlfriend?  I bet you
           get kicks outta shooting skunks!"

 ZHIVAGO: "Oh, Paul, no, I was just uh, giving her medicine, so she won't
           get sick!  Just giving her a harmless little shot."

 PAUL:    "Maybe she doesn't want a shot.  Did you bother to ask her, SWINE?"

 FIFI:    "He's locked me in zis horrible dunzhon, and tortured me!  Sniff!"
 
 ZHIVAGO: "Uh no, her owner said she needed shots, and I thought I could....
           Er, maybe Fifi would prefer a, gulp!, oral rabies vaccine instead?
           It's a new formula."

 FIFI:    "Eh, I do not mind ze oral!"

 ZHIVAGO: "OK, hereyago Feef, feeling better now?"

 PAUL:    "You know, I think doc here could use a little of his own medicine.
           Wanna help me out, gorgeous?"

 FIFI:    "How ken I zay no to ay stud like you?"

 The next few minutes are filled with a jumble of noises, first a mixture
 of groans and grunts that seem to be coming from the doc, then a smattering
 of kisses that are definitely from Fifi (accompanied by a strong stream
 of skunk scent that travels through the phone and makes Elmyra dizzy),
 and a loud thud that sounds like Paul fainting, then the line disconnects.

ELMYRA:  "Oh poo!  Guess I have to get my bunny back myself!" 

She reaches into the cage and yanks Babs' head into her arms.  Then she grabs 
Babs' jaws and pulls them open with her powerful muscles.  Elmyra sticks her 
head into Babs' open mouth.

ELMYRA:  "ARE YOU IN THERE BUNNY!?" 

The only ones who can hear her are the bacteria and protozoans in Babs'
digestive tract, and they don't offer her the courtesy of a reply.  Babs
gets a little sick of Elmyra's shampoo-flavored head and decides to clamp
her jaws shut.

ELMYRA:  "HELP!  HELP!  The crazy carnivorous bunny is trying to eat me!!!"

The tiny organisms inside Babs realize that a feast may be coming, so they
sharpen their little knives and forks and put on their napkins.  Elmyra
jerks back with full force, but Babs won't let her out.  Finally, Babs
lets Elmyra pull herself free, giving Elmyra a drooly kiss as she extracts
her head.
                                                                
ELMYRA:  "Ptoooie!  Why you nasty bunny!  Now we have to do this the 
          hard way!"
          
Elmyra pulls Babs entirely out of the cage, and Babs groans as her head gets 
squished between the bars.  Then Elmyra ties Babs up with extra-heavy hemp
rope and plops her down on the couch.  Babs looks like a coccoon with a funny
pink head sticking out the top; she starts gulping and panicking, wondering 
what hideous extraction technique Elmyra has thought up.

ELMYRA:  "If you've already digested him, I'll have to put you on trial 
          for hippity-hop homicide.  But I have to make sure first!"

Elmyra clicks on the TV, and Babs immediately begins to shudder.  The Disney
Afternoon.  Bonkers Bobcat bounces around the screen, and that horrible music
begins.  Babs tries to shut her eyes and curl up her ears, but Elmyra pries
her eyelids open and ties her ears to the back of the couch.  Babs' brain
cells prepare to commit ritual suicide as the Bonkers characters march and
dance in front of her.

BABS:    "Elmyra, please, I'll do anything, just don't make me watch this!
          I have a family at home!  They need me to provide for them!"

Babs tries the mournful watery-eyes bit, but Elmyra doesn't fall for it.  The
last of Babs' will breaks, and she passes into a state of shock.  By the
time she regains control of her mind, irreparable harm has been done, and a 
precious half-hour has passed.  She stares around the room, trying to 
reorient herself, while Elmyra looks down at her with disdain.

ELMYRA:  "Gee, a whole episode of Disney, and you still haven't given me my
          bunny back!  I guess I'll have to get mean!"

BABS:    "What are you saying, Elmyra?  Nothing could be worse than Bonkers!
          Except...."

The thought hits her, a split second before the show begins.  The TV
continues the nonstop feed from the Disney Channel.

 CHORUS:  "I love you, you love me, let's blow up, East Germany!"

 VLADI:   "Hello little kidlings!  Do you want to spread love and happiness
           thickly across the world?"

 BARNEY:  "AND throw off the shackles of the oppressive bourgeoisie?"

 BOTH:    "Then you need to join the Communi-Barney-ist Party!"

 BARNEY:  "Hyu hyu!  Yup kids, I've teamed up with my new friend Vladimir
           Zhirnovsky.  We've joined forces to free the world from all
           the evils of capitalism and grumpy parents!  And we need YOU
           to help us!"

Elmyra starts drooling heavily in Barney's radiant presence, and she lunges
for the phone and calls the Barney Army hotline, 1-900-NOB-RAIN.  Poor
Babs just stares blankly at the TV; she's got to warn everyone about this!

 Barney hands out sticks of lit dynamite to his growing army of little 
 moppets.  Explosions are heard in the distance.  Suddenly, Barney stops
 in his tracks to take a very special phone call.

ELMYRA:  "Hello Barney-kins?  It's Baby Bop!  How's it going?"
 
 BARNEY:  "Gee sweetheart, we're doing swell!  No one in Europe is willing
           to hurt the kids, so we'll have the whole continent under control
           in no time!  How's things on your front?"

ELMYRA:  "Welllllll, I got the tickets you sent.  I'm supposed to go to the
          peace summit and hug Presidents Clinton and Yeltsin?"

 BARNEY:  "Almost right sweetie!  We've changed the plan, just squeeze 
           Yeltsin!  We think Clinton will be eager to join our forces.
           I even got him his own costume!"

ELMYRA:  "Hee hee hee!  OK, Marvelously-Cuddly-Purple-Head!  I'll see ya!"

Elmyra lies the phone back down on the table, but the phone line is still
open, and the receiver is nearby.  Babs looks hurriedly at the clock, then 
thinks carefully for a minute.  She can't bear the thought of what she's 
about to do, but for Buster, no sacrifice is too great.  She wriggles her
ears free, stretches to the limit, and just manages to get a hold on the 
receiver with her ears.  She whispers quietly into the receiver.

 BARNEY:  "Oh, Babs, hi!  Oh you want me to whisper, OK!  Hmm, you've 
           reconsidered going out with me now that I'm so famous!  Hyuhee!
           And you want to date me?  Uh, I dunno if it'll be worth it.  Will
           you do anything?  ANYTHING!  Well shucks-diddly-dee-dum, it's
           a deal!  Oh, you want me to send a message to Baby Bop?  OK!"

 BARNEY:  "Baby Bop, I hear you're keeping a hostage for me.  Well, it's time
           to set her free of her bondage!  Liberate her!"

ELMYRA:  "Oh Barney-kins, sniff, she ate my other bunny and I need him!
          I won't have any pets all night because the others are at the
          doctor!"

 BARNEY:  "Aw, don't cry sugarplum!  I have proof that your pretty blue
           bunny will be back tomorrow morning at school!"

ELMYRA:  "REALLY!  Oh, thank yew!"

Elmyra grabs hold of the TV and squeezes it really tight in thanks.  The
picture tube shatters and explodes in no time flat, leaving Elmyra covered
with dirt and burnt springs.  All further communication with Barney is
through the telephone lines.

 VLADI:   "Remember, Barney pal, ven Russia falls, I claim her!"

 "I have to get rid of this old dinosaur, he's getting too silly for his own
  good", Barney mutters to himself coldly.

 NEWSGUY: "Barney, congrats on your recent conquest!  I'm from CNN.  I've
           heard rumors that you're actually Margaret Loesch, President
           of Fox Kids' Network, and that you're doing all of this just to 
           get even with Warner Brothers for withdrawing all their shows.  
           Can you confirm or deny this?"

 BARNEY:  "Officers, silence this man!  And confiscate those cameras!  We're
           not still live are we?  Damn!"

The line disconnects in a flurry of static, and Elmyra looks up, rather
distraught.  Babs looks back at her, a queasy feeling building in her stomach.
The clock indicates that she only has three minutes left.

BABS:    "Elmyra, please!  You've got to keep your word, even if Barney
          wasn't who you thought she was!"

Elmyra looks around forlornly, then decides at last to set her captive free.
She unties Babs, who gives Elmyra another big kiss on the lips before hopping                     
off toward the nearest exit at top speed.  Babs stops suddenly by the door,
investigating a glowing red dial that's currently set to "BUNNY".  She
mischievously keeps turning the dial until it reads "YUTZ", then presses
the big red button right below it.  Elmyra stares at her in terror as 
searchlights go on and the sensors start tracking Elmyra's location.  She 
makes a break for the stairs, but a springboard launches her backward into 
the waiting cage.  Babs heads out the door, but she turns back for a moment
when she hears Elmyra's pitiful sobbing.

ELMYRA:  "No bunnies, no pets, all alone tonight!  I wish someone would be
          here to stay with me.  Even mom and dad have gone to bed! 
          Sob!  Sniff!"

Despite her need to rush, Babs can't leave Elmyra in such a forlorn condition.
She weaves her way back to the cage and tosses the phone to her.

BABS:    "Here, call 9-1-1, the Fire Department will come for you.  After
          I'm long gone."

Babs flies out the back door and into the waiting night, rushing down the
hills to the ACME Water Treatment Plant miles away.



The clouds race across the moon and the dark purple sky as Babs races against
time.  The wind whips through her fur and her breath catches in her chest as
she tries desperately to reach the plant before her last chance runs out.  
By the time the cold lights of the main entrance bathe her with their dim 
glow, she realizes that too much time has passed.  She dashes for the nearest
guard and starts pleading in an exhausted voice.

BABS:   "My boyfriend!  He needs me!"

The guard brushes her off rudely and threatens to have her removed from the
premises, but when he sees the desperate look in her eyes, he waits for her
to calm down and explain what happened.  Then he takes her by the hand and
takes her through the building, showing her the tanks, filters, and chemical
treatment centers.  Babs runs ahead of him, asking the employees if they've
seen a blue bunny, trying to get them to turn the machines off.  But none 
respond, until she meets a janitor near the exit.  The janitor says he saw a 
blue puddle that went through the system and was broken and dissolved before 
it left downstream.  Babs' heart breaks.

She leaves the building and reaches a small hillside that overlooks the  
sandy shores of the river, then collapses, unable to walk any further.  She
gazes out at the moonlit river, feeling her last hope die away.  Buster
was gone forever, it was her fault, and there would never be another friend
like him.  She waits for another hour, just staring out at nothing, trying
to figure out what she had done to cause all of this.  She finally concludes
that she had put Buster's love to the test, he had passed, and she had failed.

Darkness intensifies around her as she starts crying, remembering Buster's
steadfast faithfulness through all their crazy years growing up together.
Every time she had wanted to do something ridiculous, Buster had been by her
side, either do dissuade her or to hang along for the ride.  Now the ride was
over.  She lowers her head and mourns his passing.  Her eyes are so filled 
with tears that she doesn't notice the dark blue form that begins to coalesce 
in the river below her.  Babs thinks back over the years she's been with 
Buster, trying to remember every detail so that she'd never forget him.  
She recalls their youth, their first day of school, ....

A loud splashing disturbs Babs' thoughts, and she looks out to see a dark
form struggling against the current.  Knowing the sound of someone in trouble
but unable to see who it is, Babs dives from the hillside and lands in
the deep waters just offshore.  She manages to reach the furry body and pulls
it toward land.  She wipes the water off his face before she realizes who 
it is.

BABS:    "Buster!"

His eyes open, in his typical laconic expression, as Babs buries her head in
his chest.  She wants to embrace him, but he moves out of her reach.  Babs
understands why.

BABS:    "Guess I overdid things, huh?"

BUSTER:  "Gees, Babs, I think you don't realize what's happened to me today.
          I've been boiled, steamed, set on fire, distilled, and passed
          through an activated charcoal filter.  I've been hugged half to
          death twice and liquified over and over again.  And you say you
          just overdid things?  You don't love me any more, Babs."

Babs tries to change the subject, feeling guilty for everything that's
happened.

BABS:    "Oh Buster, why don't you write today off as one big hallucination 
          and get on with the rest of your life?  We still haven't done
          our homework...."

Buster glares at her sternly.

BUSTER:  "I think maybe it's time you told me what happened today, why
          you were acting so strange, why you tried to hurt me."

Babs feels glum and ashamed, and finally confesses.

BABS:    "Do you know those costumes we use during the opening credits?  
          Well, I got one for me and one for Elmyra, and we, disguised 
          ourselves as each other."

Babs looks back at him, her tear-streaked eyes opened wide, hoping to see
some trace of forgiveness in Buster's face.  She doesn't see it.  Buster's
mind reels as everything suddenly falls into place, all the tortures he
suffered suddenly brought to light.  He admonishes Babs, realizing as he
does so that she was never the one who had hurt him.

BUSTER:  "Was this another one of your silly games?  Some kind of joke to
          play on your former best friend?  Or was it some kind of cruel...."

He breaks off the sentence, as his thoughts sink in, and as Babs cowers
humbly before his onslaught.  He looks at her carefully.  She's totally
heartbroken, totally vulnerable, totally irresistable.

BUSTER:  "Remember the time we first met?"

Babs stifles her sobs.

BABS:    "How could I forget?  We were four years old.  I was on the beach, 
          your family had just moved in from Chicago, I was building a sand 
          fort."

BUSTER:  "And I knocked it down.  And I dumped a bucket of sand on your head."

BABS:    "And I started crying."       

BUSTER:  "And I kissed you to make you shut up."

BABS:    "And I punched you a good one for being so fresh."

BUSTER:  "And I grabbed your arms so you couldn't hit me again."

BABS:    "And I wrestled you to the ground."

BOTH:    "And then I looked into your eyes."

They both knew what they had seen.  The same thing they were seeing right now.
Buster puts his arm around Babs, and she sniffles a little onto his wet
sweater.

BABS:    "If it's any consolation, I had to make a date with The Evil One
          in order to rescue you."

BUSTER:  "Plucky?"

BABS:    "Barney."

BUSTER:  "Ouch!  So, how'd you get away from Elmyra?"

BABS:    "Ah, let's just say I used my superior intellect.  But I was kind
          to her.  She should be back in bed by now."



Back in Elmyra's basement, an elaborate rescue mission is going on, one which
rivals that of Baby Jessica.  Elmyra sobs a little as the firemen come to
free her.

FIREMAN: "OK, I'm coming in.  When I reach the halfway mark, flip the lever
          down and turn the switch off, got it?"

CHIEF:   "Good Luck, Mike, hope we get to see you again."

Fireman Mike makes his way stealthily across the floor, and he nearly reaches
the off switch.  But just as he tries to touch it, a whip curls around him
and snaps him toward Elmyra's cage.  The door swings open for just a split
second as the fireman flies through, and Elmyra "Eeeps!"  as he runs into her
and the door locks shut again.  This process repeats as more firemen are 
hurled into the cage, and Elmyra gets pressed against the bars as the last
member of the fire squad gets locked up with her.

ELMYRA:  "Remind me to fire my agent.  Oh, well, at least I'm not lonely.
          Hello handsome!"

She reaches out and grabs Fireman Mike's neck; he has nowhere to run.  Elmyra
squeezes him tighter and tighter, and his face flushes a whole rainbow of
colors as time passes, until he finally settles down into ashen grey
unconsciousness.



Buster holds Babs gently, but he's tired of the depressed Babs he's been with 
for so long.  He wants the energetic, fun-loving Babs back.  He turns her
around to face him, and he lifts her chin with his hand.

BUSTER:  "I love you, Barbara Anne Bunny!"

BABS:    "So do I!"

There, she'd finally admitted that she loves him!  Buster rejoices inside,
then thinks over what she said.  Hey!  Well, Barney costumes are cheap, he'd 
get even with her, make her beg for mercy, but not now.  Later.

Buster hugs Babs close to him, not the strongest or most manly hug he'd ever
done, but the most loving.  He looks back at Babs, and he sees her face 
glowing with a bright smile, her tears drying away.  He hugs her again and
rubs his cheeks against hers.  He would have kept hugging her for hours,
but after a few minutes, he feels a tiny hand pulling on his leg.  He looks
downward to see what's causing it.

KAREN:    "Hi mommy and daddy!"

All four of Buster and Babs' imaginary kids have suddenly materialized
before them.

BUSTER:   "Uh, Babs, quit using your imagination!"

BABS:     "I'm not!"

BUSTER:   "Then why...."

JODY:     "Warner Brothers drew us!  We get to stay on the show!  They said 
           it would help the show get higher ratings with preschoolers!"

Stunned expressions fill Buster and Babs' faces.  They'd made concessions
for higher ratings before, but this is just too much.

BUSTER:   "Er, Babs, has Warners activated that parenthood clause in our 
           contracts?"

BABS:     "They couldn't have!  They'd have to give us more notice, and
           pay us extra.  Unless...."

BUSTER:   "Our contracts have expired?"

BABS:     "They couldn't...."

BUSTER:   "But then they...."

BABS:     "Oh, no!"

BUSTER:   "DOWNSIZING!"

BABS:     "DEMOGRAPHICS!"

Buster and Babs can't take any more of this.  They rush off the hillside
at light speed and madly run off for the comfort of their burrows, hoping
that the whole thing will blow over and that Warners will decide not to
air this story after all.  But the rabbits don't chart their courses very
well, and they collide in mid-stride.  The preliminary collision is bad
enough, but the bunnies crash into each other lips first, and the rebound 
from the collision causes them to kiss with a force of 1,000,000 plungers 
each.  They fall back in a joyful daze for a second or two, then they both 
dissolve into liquid.  The blue and pink puddles flow into each other.

BABS:     "Oh, Buster!"

BUSTER:   "Oh, Babs!"

STEVIE:   "Oh, brother!"

JODY:     "What?"

KAREN:    "Looks like we have to change the name of the story."

JENNY:    "I'm surprised Babs didn't recognize us, her own brothers and 
           sisters.  I mean, at least she could have remembered Mortimer!"

Jody looks up at Jenny and waves cheerfully.

STEVIE:   "Hey guys, wanna go over to Disney's and harrass Thumper?"

The little rabbits discuss it for a bit, but they're bored, and they decide
to all go together.  And so the little bunny-wunnies ran away, and they
all lived hippity-hop happily ever after.


                                  THE END









                               CAST OF CAMEOS

Fireman Kev:  Kev Beeley, Drooling Babs Fanboy 
  UK toonster, may be Tiny Toon's best fan artist, needs a good Babs plushy B)

Stevie:  Steven Seegar, Bonkers Fanboy
  Former Tiny Toon fan now in Disney's thrall, very good at annoying people :P

Jenny:  Jennifer A. Bare, Drooling Don Karnage Fangirl  
  Bonkers/Disney fan who also likes Tiny Toons, so there's still hope :)

Jody:  Joe Grassel, Drooling Babs Fanboy
  Tiny Toon's best fan writer and a good artist too, a founder of TTBS ;)

Karen:  Maggie Weidner, Babs Fangirl, renamed to avoid a Simpsons' lawsuit 
  Devoted long-time Tiny Toon fan, often mistaken for Babs on AOL =)

Paul:  Paul Hendry, Drooling Fifi/Babs/Minerva Fanboy
  Founder of alt.tv.tiny-toon.fandom, recorded every skirt peek in HISMV :)~~~

Fireman Mike:  Mike Martak, probably the world's only Drooling Elmyra Fanboy
  We warned him over and over, but does he listen?  Noooo....  ox:D

And John Friedrich, author, has no need to write himself into a cameo, as he
is happily married to Babs Bunny Friedrich, and the kids are on the way.  X=:)
